Hollydaze

photo:here

Hello all my lovelies!


How was your Solstice/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Santa Lucia/Yule?


I can't believe how fast the time flew by, but isn't that always the complaint? Time always flies by when your having a good time. I had a 4 day break for Christmas, and am now off work for my 5 day break for New Years! I have had a ball, for the first time in a long time. So much of it is due to the simple shift change this blog inspired. I am kinda blown away by the fact that just looking for the good part of everyday, has helped relax enjoy so much more. I'm sure the back to back mini vacations don't hurt either though!

I had a wonderful Solstice on Dockweiler beach with The Man*, had a nice bonfire, some food & drink, and watched the sunset. He took a little nap and I meditated the whole time, about and hour and a half! It was such an awesome break, if you have the chance to do a little focused breathing by the sea I would say go do it.


Christmas was wonderful, for the first time in years. This blew my mind, Xmas has always had some sort of stress monster chasing it around and this year was so much more pleasant.


And now, I am about to run out to San Francisco to see Les Claypool and Dweezil Zappa (heading up Zappa Plays Zappa) for New Years! Swoon!


I also got off my butt and did something of a photo shoot, even though the lighting kinda sucked. I am saving for a good piece of lightning equipment, till then I have flood bulbs and tin foil. It really turned out way better than I thought. So then I submitted a sample portfolio to the Hearst 8x10 Photography Biennial! Yes I really did, no more slacker-ness for me you hear!

I am doing this with list making. I am a write-absolutely-everything- down convert. Lists rule!

I will be back to send in all the details of NYE and the trip up north later, till then fill me in on your holidays. What did you get into?

~ Syd








*(forgot to mention that The Man is called this because he prefers to remain a wing man on my adventures through cyber spacey land, there will never be any reference to his real name or any photographs posted. It would be rockin if those of you that know him in "real" life respect this.)

Flood

Second song that makes me feel better. This is labeled on YouTube as the "original version", I don't know if that's true because the guy that seems to be singing is out of sink. There is another on there that has had the embed disabled, and I think that one is the official video.
Anyway! I remember this song from way back when on KROQ, then The Man played it in the car!

I am not really a religious person, and this band is christian...but I like it anyway...and this was supposed to be a quick post, so I'm done explaining myself already!

Less Stress

Hello again!

Wow how the time has gotten away from me, I can't believe it has been a week! It's Christmas time though and everyone is a little more distracted right now. I am making it good distractions though, deciding to live and enjoy the present moment.

I saw the doctor again on Friday, for a follow up on last months appointment. She says I still seem tense, and wants me to consider going back on anxiety meds. Lexapro to be exact. I took Lexapro for a long time, to the point I didn't think it was doing anything for me anymore. I was sick of rushing all the way across town for a silly little pill that was supposed to help even out my mood. No one was teaching me to make permanent changes to my mindset, they were just handing me pills. So it had to be stopped, and after tapering the dose down for about a month, it did.

I felt as though the window of my mind had been wiped clean, I felt, clearer. I was also just a little on edge, and didn't really have time for it. I jump the gun and get emotional before it's called for. Or assume the worst and freak. And so yeah, I'm on edge. But I hate having to rely on anything on a daily basis to make me feel normal. It sucks. I'm not talking about like, food and water.

So I am on a mission. A mission to re-learn how to deal with stress.
To be honest, I never learned this in the first place, both my parents are really really bad at it. My mother just lived her life in complete fear, she did very little and none of what she did was in accordance with her dreams of what life should be. She was also very swayed by what others thought of her. I have seen this in me too, if someone disapproves I will change my way of thinking and that is very far from right. If I think it won't work, or I have to talk to too many people I will re-think what I want to do. Gotta get over it!

So, #1 is living without fear.

To be continued.....!

You are Everything To Somebody

This is one of those silly e-mail chain letters, but it made me smile and I am always gratful for that so now I'm gonna share!

SMILE!

Right now at this very minute-----------


someone
is very proud of you

someone
is thinking of you

someone
cares about you


someone
misses you

someone
wants to talk to you


someone
wants to be with you



someone
hopes you aren't in trouble



someone
is thankful for the
support you have provided





someone
wants to hold your hand


someone
hopes everything
turns out all right






someone wants you
to be happy

someone
wants you to find them

someone is
celebrating your successes

someone
wants to give you a gift





someone
thinks you ARE a gift

someone
hopes you are not too cold, or too hot



someone
wants to hug you




someone
loves you


someone
wants to lavish you with small gifts






someone
admires your strength

someone
is thinking of you and smiling



someone
wants to be your shoulder to cry on




someone
wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun




someone
thinks the world of you



someone
wants to protect you


someone
would do anything for you



someone
wants to be forgiven




someone
wants to laugh with you about old times



someone
remembers you and wishes you were there



someone
needs to know that your love is unconditional



somebody
values your advice




someone
wants to tell you how much they care

wants to stay up watcg old movies with

someone
wants to share their dreams with you




someone
wants to hold you in their arms



someone
wants YOU to hold them in your arms



someone
treasures your spirit



someone
wishes they could STOP time because of you




someone
can't wait to see you





someone
wishes that things didn't have to change




someone
loves you for who you are



someone
loves the way you make them feel





someone
wants to be with you


someone
hears a song that reminds them of you

someone
wants you to know they are there for you





someone
is glad that you're their friend



someone
wants to be your friend

someone
stayed up all night thinking about you



someone
is alive because of you

someone
is wishing that you would notice them



someone
wants to get to know you better


someone
wants to be near you



someone
misses your guidance and advice


someone
values your guidance and advice

someone
has faith in you


someone
trusts you

someone
needs your support


someone
needs
you to have faith in them

someone
needs you to let them be your friend

Good Connections

I am having panic attacks more and more often, and I have developed a tight chest thingy that is very frustrating. I went to the doctor, they did tests, and surprise! Nothing is wrong with me. Although she said I am much more stressed out then when she saw me in Feb.

So I am internalizing all the things that stress me out and over thinking most of the problems in my life, and I can't get out of my head! While I find out what works for me, and troll the Internet for all the things that have helped others, here is what IS helping so far. All in link form because I don't have a second to write about how I have put these to use yet.

Gain Control of Your Emotions
This is a wiki-how, and is so simple you can just read it over really quick when you get upset!

Be Happy
Another wiki-how. I like these and this one is another bullet points style, easy to read, little helper!

Free yourself from guilt
From Think Simple now, I love this women. She is one of my heroes.

Nineteen tips from 200 years ago
This whole site is good, but this list make me smile. And I always like finding out how people did things way back in the day!

Self Esteem test for women
This asks some good questions on how you feel about yourself. The rest of the site is a little confusing, but I like the fact that you need to reflect on yourself through this quiz, and the results.

Laughing all the way to hell

I am so glad there is music in this world. Music makes me so happy, it makes me wanna sing and dance, both of which feed your hungry soul. All kinds of awful days and horrible mood have been cured by music I love. My musical tastes run a large gamut, from jazz, and blues to punk and reggae I like it all.

That being said, it's kinda hard to pick just one style, type or band to be a favorite. Most people I know wouldn't be able to pick just one band as a favorite, there is just so much to like. So periodical I am gonna post a song that made me smile, or really helped lift my mood. Songs that I am grateful were written.

At running the risk of sounding like a huge dork, I like "New Wave" music and quite possibly my favorite band ever could be Oingo Boingo. Mmmm, actually I would say yeah, Oingo Boingo is my favorite band of all time. They just...rock.

The wonders of cleaning

Part 2 on grief is coming, I promise. In fact this post would be that post if I hadn't left my notes at home! Silly Sydney!

So today I am here to discuss the wonders of having a clean place. Whether that place is your room, your office at work, or your home, the cleaner it can be the better you will feel. Yesterday I had the day off and the apartment to myself, it was a hard day (a birthday of a now gone loved one) and one I was not looking forward to facing it alone. Yet there I was alone with a messy place, I had to focus. I had to focus to save my sanity and the place looked like a bomb hit it, so may as well clean. I decided on the bathroom and kitchen, as those are a little easier (I don't have to decide where to put stuff so it looks cute as I am having to do with the living room/bedroom), put on some music and dug in! It took about 4 hours, and even though afterward I could still smell the bleach in my nose, I had a cleaner house and a happy mood. Wow, I shoulda done before and after pictures!
I am so much more grateful for the space I live in now that it is a little tidier, and now I can focus more on the living room without the worry of the other two.

Tips:
Decide what you want to clean first. It can be overwhelming to clean the whole house at once, or even a whole room, break it down into bite size bits.

Music! I have to have something to listen to while I clean or I get lonely. The news is good too if it doesn't depress you, or the TV if you can clean and not get all caught up in watching it.

Don't over think it, just do it. When I start to look at all the junk piled up and working out in my mind where it will all go, I get overwhelmed. I always get more done when I jump right in, just walk over to the spot and pick something up, clean it off and put it in it's place. If there is a lot of stuff then organize into groups first then find a home for them, but start! Don't just think about it!

Chill out in your new clean space. Your all done! Grab a tea, chill out and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!

~Hell

Photo World of El Dude

Overcoming Grief part 2

www.GraphicsHunt.com


In my first half of this two part study on ways in which we can overcome the grief we feel when someone we love dies, I talked about meditation to help relax and refocus your mind. To this end, even better I would say, is:
* Yoga. I love yoga, I love it because it is always a relaxing and energizing experience at the same time. Yes, both at the same time. You get a workout, and a meditation, usually together in the first half and then an extra meditation part at the end to relax with. I never got why yoga was so great till I realized that the way it is set up is like life, you are asked to assume a tricky position that gives you the workout part, toning and strengthening your body. You need to maintain this position for several moments, and breath and focus till it's over. They are teaching you how to breath and focus through the hard parts! This is essential to getting through the worst parts of a loved ones passing, you have to breath and focus.

* Remembering the person, and acknowledging the death
Is very important, if you were unable to attend the wake or funeral for your loved one a remembrance of your own is in order. Set aside a little time to be on your own, or if you feel you can't be alone right now then with a trusted friend. Go through old photos of your lost loved one, light a candle for them, watch videos of you two goofing off, and remember all the good times.

Make a college of all the things you two shared together and include, ticket stubs for concerts or sports games you went to together, pictures, maybe the menu from a restaurant you went to or the matchbook from a bar. Tokens, or pressed pennies from the arcade or the amusement park.

Did you work with them? Maybe one of their favorite pens from their desk at work, making sure that it is not something important to their family if you are not related. I have found (or done in the case of a death in my family) that if you just ask for some small memento of the person the family gladly obliges in giving out little photos or keepsakes. Add this to your college.

Take the time to either talk to the person or write them a letter. This can be while you make your college, as an addition to it; or on it's own as a separate tribute. In this talking/writing, clear your conscious. Apologies for anything that may have gone wrong, forgive the person for anything that may have happened in the relationship and know that you are forgiven for your wrong doings as well. This can be very hard if there was a fight going on when the person suddenly dies, and it is then that much more important that you understand that if there had been an end to the fight it would have worked out and forgive not only them but yourself. If not your run the risk of carrying the grief around with you forever, which is very unhealthy and will eventually drive you mad! It is not uncommon to see tearful Irish men at funerals shoving money into the hands of the deceased or the widow, one last chance to pay off that old debt and clear their conscious.

* Have a drink in their honer.
This usually happens at the wake, after a funeral. Not all cultures have wakes, or parties after the funeral. I am Irish and this is a big part of the death of a person, a party is in order because you all grieve and celebrate their life. Lots of drinks are poured in honor of the dead, lots of laughing is heard and lots of tears are shed. If you don't have this opportunity, having a drink with friends or even on your own in remembrance of them is good. Just don't go overboard.

The pain of grief can do lots of ugly things to people and it can be hard enough to cope without adding to problems one already has. If you have a substance abuse problem, replace the drink you are having for them with a non-alcohol option, like sparkling cider, or a Shirley Temple . I know this sounds dorky and death is a great excuse to fall off the wagon (whether that be with alcohol, drugs, mindless sex, or over-eating) because you are in pain, but the person you lost doesn't want you to lose yourself on their account. Their life on this earth is gone and they want you to go on and see and experience all the things they can't. They didn't die so you would wish you were dead too, they couldn't help what was going to happen, but you can help what happens to you. If you slip and fall, it is OK. Forgive yourself and get right back on that wagon and make the person you lost proud!

* Become a social butterfly.
Call all your friends and let them know a very important person died, add it as your mood on myspace or facebook. Tell people you want to get out of the house!
OK, so you faced the death head on. You acknowledged it, looked at pictures, made a college, went to the funeral, wrote a letter, talked to the person, forgave them, and forgave yourself. Now get out of your head and your house and have a good time!

It is easy to slip into depression after someone is gone. To get all locked up inside your head and stay at home and cry all day. The first few weeks after a death this is OK, important even in the grief process, but after a month, take up one of these suggestions. Even for a short time, go have lunch with someone, see a movie, or a play and forget for a little bit. It is not inappropriate to do so, no one is going to be offended that you took care of yourself for a few hours and forgot your troubles with a slice of pie and good company. You will eventually have to move on with your life, and starting the process slowly, will help you get a grip on the fact that life is still happening all around you.

~Sydney

Friends

I want to go into a little further detail on the friends topic from yesterday as it was just a little blurb after a great time.

Of course I started this post last night before a wave of stomach ache hit and I had to go lay down, now I am here trying to finish before I go out with more...FRIENDS!

Seriously people, people are amazing. I sometimes get shy or nervous, especially around people I don't know so I will sit and smile like an idiot waiting for a topic I know something about to come up. Or if I am with a friend I already know well, I will say something and it will create awkwardness and then I feel stupid. And you know what?

Everybody feels this way at some point or another! And as long as we are all a little patient with each other and don't go out of our way to make the people around us uncomfortable then we can only add to our lives by sharing them with people we like.
Snoogans.

-Syd

Meeting new people

I have become an awkward person; I don't get outside my head much.
But tonight I got that chance; I went out and had drinks with people! I talked and laughed and was merry....or whatever. I was uber happy for a few hours, after having a crazy meltdown at work that a friend came and rescued me from, and remembered what it was like to be in my 20's and relatable to people. Thanks to those I was with tonight.

*Schedule a night to have a drink with a friend, or two. It doesn't have to be alcoholic, it could be coffee or hot chocolate (YUM!) but go out of your head, and talk to another person.
It will do wonders for the soul.

~Hell

Day of rain, night of traffic

I am waiting to go home from work. My man doesn't know how long it will take to get to me from his work, everyone is racing to to get prepared for the holiday tomorrow. I can not believe it is Thanksgiving tomorrow, I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. I am going to be extra thankful this time, life is not that bad.

Overcoming grief

With all that is happening in the world today, it is easy to get overwhelmed. It is easy to get lost, floating out in the middle of no where on a leaky raft.

We will have a new leader to the free world in two short months, but the changes Mr. Obama will set in motion in January will still take a while to have the desired effect, just like the down turn we are seeing now that started in September 2001. Although we hear about every move in the Presidential election, the government bailouts and rising cost of goods and services here in America, what if the state of the country is the least of your worries?

For a lot of people I know the economy is bottom of the 7 layer dip that makes up their lives. And although it went bad first the other six are all starting to rot as well. I know of at least 5 people that have died in the last 2 weeks, all friends or relatives of friends...or the guy that supposedly jumped from the top of the Arclight Theater parking lot last week (don't quote me, I still haven't found a news story).

So, how do you live a life of thanks, especially at this time of year with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, when someone you care about has left this life? There doesn't seem to be much to be grateful for, it takes time and love to heal the hole left your heart. Until then, how do you cope?

I am going to touch on a few ways to do just that in this two part article on Grief.

How do you live a grateful life when someone you love has died? How do you not hate the world? I don't think the problem lies in being un-grateful, or un-thankful. Those feelings and all the other ones we normally experience in our daily lives will go up and down on a crazy grief driven roller-coaster ride. Feelings of deep sorrow, regret, and anger can almost drown you yet, as you pass through such thoughts and emotions, a new sense of gratefulness for your own life will occur. You will become grateful for the time you spent with the person that has passed on, and for having your own life to carry on with. You can now go forward, see and experience the things they didn't get a chance to. That I feel is the ultimate highlight of death, it makes you grateful for your own life. This feeling usually comes with the last stage of grief, acceptance.

The person you love has passed on, to another place we are not able to go to at this stage in our lives, and although we miss them we are still here. This is hard, I was so used to seeing certain people that are now gone, I was almost waiting for them to come back and tell me what it was like to die. They would just walk in one day and say "oh dude! It was so cool, you shoulda been there!"
But I'm not. I'm still here. And sometimes, the pain is awful.
To relieve this mind shaking realization that the person you love is not going to be able to tell you this:
Take your mind off them. I know, it sounds cruel at first that you would think of anyone but the one you lost at a time like this, but it is very helpful in saving your sanity.

*Meditate
Take a few minutes a day (it really doesn't have to be much, just enough to get a grip on your thoughts, 5 minutes will even work in a pinch) and breath deeply and focus. This can be really hard for me, especially in the last few months focus has flown right out the window. But, when I do get a grip, I feel so much better. Breath deeply, focus on that breath. How it feels moving past your nose, how it feels to inflate your lungs. And think of a calm place, a wide pasture, the beach, the woods, your backyard; and repeat to yourself that all is right with the world, that you are at peace. I like to tell myself I am OK, I know this sounds corny and you’re thinking that it silly to talk to your self, but it helps. "I AM" on the in breath, "OK" on the out breath. So you are continually breathing in and out while repeating "I AM OK".

If you have the time, deeper meditation is key to helping you focus on long term goals of well-being and peace. Find a place you won't be disturbed, and get comfortable. Either by sitting up with your legs crossed, or laying down on your back (for deep meditation I like to sit because otherwise I risk falling asleep!), sitting on a chair is good too, but you want to sit upright, with almost a sense of pride, your chin level with your bent legs. Don't slouch into a ball. Close your eyes, or if you prefer you can focus JUST your eyes (not your whole head, keep that chin level) down and slightly in front of you, till they go out of focus a little. And form a picture of what you would like to accomplish. Do you want to take over the world? Buy a new car? Just be able to move through your day while dealing with depression? Just want to feel "OK"
Create a clear picture of yourself doing just that, as if it was already part of your life. From there it is simple to find a mantra to work with this picture, "I rule the world", "I drive a brand new BMW", "I am OK".

Anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour is good for this, again concentrate on your breath, repeat your mantra you have worked out for yourself. Go into deep detail about the task you want to accomplish until you are satisfied with the level of calm you are in, and then gently bring yourself out of your trance. It is helpful to ring a bell, or have a stereo nearby and turn up the volume a little at a time till you fell more awake. Stretch and open your eyes wide, slowly get up. You have just brought your blood pressure way down, so if you are sitting or laying on the floor be extra gentle with yourself so you don't fall down!

There are also some wonderful CDs that can help with this; it's how I got started on meditation in the first place! The tapes I had were so cheesy, the guy was from New York, heavy accent, and the bell at the end kinda freaked me out because I got so focused I forgot he was gonna ring it again when it was time to stop. But I kept at it and really began to look forward to extra time I had to but one of the tapes on. I am going to look into a few cool ones, till then I would recommend the following links, just to get a groove going, meditation is a very personal thing and to get started and find what works for you is the first step in a more focused recovery of your life, or, a loved ones death.
wikihow

Next time:
Laughing and drinking, the power and the pitfalls.
Kisses!
-Hell

Potluck love

Image from Here

From Wikipedia:

Folk etymology has derived the term "potluck" from the Native American custom of potlatch; the word "potluck", however, is actually of English origin. It is a portmanteau word formed from (cooking) pot and lucke. The earliest written citation is from 1592: "That that pure sanguine complexion of yours may never be famisht with pot lucke," Thomas Nashe.^[3] As this shows, the original meaning was "food given away to guests", probably derived from "whatever food one is lucky enough to find in the pot", i.e. whatever food happens to be available, especially when offered to a guest. By extension, a more general meaning is "whatever is available in a particular circumstance or at a particular time."

I love potlucks, and I just got back from a great one here at work. This was a total surprise to me because things have sucked so much, not just in people’s personal lives, AND the economy but for the company. Moral has been very low. We all got together and did it though, and managed to smile, laugh and I actually remembered to take pictures too! My co-worker Peter remembered that a few people, including myself are vegetarians and brought cheese enchiladas, it rocked my world! It was the only dish without meat, thanks so much for remembering me Peter!

There is still pie over there and I can't stop thinking about it! Ack!
I am a huge fan of pie, anything with sugar in it actually but baked goods especially. I would rather have a baked treat than candy any day. Have you ever seen Michael, with John Travolta? There is a scene, where they are all eating pie, and so happy about it and thankful that they have it. That’s how I feel about pie. I don’t think I could pick just one kind. There was pumpkin, and lemon, and pecan, but I opted for chocolate chip cheesecake…it was a hard decision.

What’s your favorite kind of pie? What made today worth getting up for?

End to the week's end

Hi!
Ah, Monday. It was hard to get out of bed this morning, it was so comfortable and warm! I really didn't want to go back to work, i was not as productive in my cleaning tasks as I had hoped, and it was cold out. 

But, I had a pretty good weekend! Saturday was the best day by far, it was full of stuff I like doing (except riding the bus) and I was thankful for such a fun and relaxing two days off. How was yours?

I had belly dance class on Saturday, not really first thing (it's at 1:30pm) but slept late and wandered over on the bus. It was the first time I really "got" the across the floor combo she gave, because for the first time she counted it...correctly!

I am a bit biased, my father was a musician, my man is a musician, I have danced for 9 years now, and have taken music classes....So I get a little insulted when someone that hasn't always been in time (musically that is, not like, she lives in a different time period...or maybe she does, I don't know) tells me how to count music. She was upset that we hadn't already started doing it. I didn't because everyone teaches a class differently, and she had never counted before...I thought it was maybe her thing, since she never gives any kind of example anyway. So I am grateful that I went, it made me feel better, and grateful that I got the combinations but I still don't really like this teacher and probably won't take her class again.

Then I took a bus out to Burbank and drove down to Anaheim to see Buckethead! Whoo Hoo!
Highlight of my whole weekend.

Buckethead is one of the most amazing guitar players of our time, and well worth the money to but tickets. Which we did long before my pay cut so it was a nice break from the heavy, worry we have been carrying around for a few days.  It was one of the most packed shows I have ever been to, and House of Blues Anaheim is a good sized place. That 1 Guy opened, and if you have never heard of him you have to, have to, HAVE TO listen to his stuff. It will blow your fucking pants off. And he was so funny! I just decided to post video from the show that night. Down at the bottom of this post. It's not my video and the quality isn't the best, but you gotta love the Internet. You can see what I saw! Because someone had a camera and posted it on you-tube! Yey! Wow, and I thought I belonged to another era. Right.
Anyways..I love music! I love to go out dancing to good, funky, music. With a solid beat that thumps down into you so far you feel it in your groin. One of life's blissful pleasures. 

I also have to point out the incredible fact that when Mr. Buckethead holds the guitar away from his body, he is STILL PLAYING. With his left hand on the frets, he thumps out the song. It blows me away!



I couldn't find any video of That 1 Guy from that night, but this video gets the point across perfectly.

What kind of music makes you happy? What made your weekend great?

Thank God it's Friday

So I made it through the week! WhooHoo!
Today I am thankful it is Friday, that I have a job, and that I got paid today. I get to go grocery shopping! Yey! Which means food! Yey!
Oh my god I am super thankful that it is Thanksgiving week too because the sales at the supermarket are incredible right now!


And I am just as thankful as the girl to the left, for my right hand. After all a girls best friend is her right hand!

Heh heh.

Edit @ 10:30pm
I would like to add that I am so very thankful for my sister Les, she was just here and we had a smoke and a laugh and she rocks. Thanks Les!

Let's Begin

Hello there, welcome to my "Blessings Blog" which is what I was originally going to call it and then thought "I'm not homeless" would be way funnier. And true. And the number one thing I count each time life comes in and smacks me in the head with how mean, thoughtless, rude, impossible, frustrating and mind-blowing it sometimes tends to be at my expense. Which seems like a lot lately. I am no saint mind you. I have treated some people very thoughtlessly over the short time I have spent on this earth. Some, I still do (although it is more out of honest preoccupation in keeping all other crap taken care of and all the fires put out than me just wanting to be young and have fun and not give a shit). For this I believe I am receiving a healthy does of karma, and the powers that be are telling me to look at how I treat people, and their hearts. I am working on making amends. To those that I have been careless with I apologise...again. I really have had no idea what I was doing, and am now paying more attention. If I have overlooked our friendship, or made you feel weird or upset, I will do whatever I can to set that right.

Things in my life have spun out of control, or I gave the control up, or someone else took it. I have never felt as lost in my life as I do now, my sanity is circling the drain. I am working on that, in as many ways as I know how. To help, I look for the good in each day. I count all the smiles, and try to forget all the fights. And really...this struck me the other night, (not the idea for this blog, that came today after the second coworker that saw me sad made me smile.) coming home from Rally's with my chocolate shake. I could taste all the chocolate syrup they put in it, and that made me think of Vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup on it, and that gave me a quick jolt backward...about 5 years...and my mother struggling to enjoy Vanilla ice cream with chocolate on it and complaining that it tasted like dust, that everything tasted like dust. That the chimo therapy had so completely ruined her taste buds, nothing tasted good anymore....

All of a sudden, I was so very grateful for my taste buds. That I could taste that shake, that I could taste food. That I can walk, and breath, and dance. I know this sounds hokey, but I have had a very hard year, and it is only getting worse. But right then, I had nothing to complain about. Well, not just right then. Now too. I'm not homeless. I am not quite starving. I have a family that loves me. I have a boyfriend that loves me. I have a warm bed. I am a creative person. I have hot, clean running water. I have friends. My life plan is not completely shot, I have ways to get out of this mess and I have started to put them to action. I live in America, and although it has been going down the tubes, I can still be anything I damn well please wither that is a billing clerk or a porn star. I can wear whatever I want, and am not beaten for not wearing my burka. I am only as trapped as I let my mind tell me I am.

So this is my page of gratefulness. I will add to it each day with what made me smile, what I thanked the powers that be for sending my way. I encourage you to join me, either in the comments or by sending me and email and I'll post it in the blog itself.

To start the list, or add to the above as it were:

Yesterday I had am awesome sandwhich from Quiznos. I had really confused the girl on my order, twice, and was lucky they didn't spit in it. I sat next to my man, moved my chair closer to his and thanked god for the food. I hadn't eaten all day do to a very long and somewhat disappointing haircut/color by students at Vidal Sassoon (oh! I am also grateful I have hair) and that sandwhich tasted so good. She even asked if it was good as I took my tray to the trash and I exclaimed it was perfect! I hope she really believed me, I am also working on giving sincere appreciateion to the people that do nice things for me.

I had a sad start to my day today, and couldn't help showing it on my face. I used to be worried about this and fake it and muddle through but it has been hard at the job I am at. There are only about 3 other people that don't take out their bad days on you here and so now I don't care as much if I show some pain. A co-worker, Johnny came in (and he is one of the above 3 by the way, even if life is really shitty for him he won't let you know) and saw my face. He cracked a joke and did a little jig thingy, and made me smile. I was so much better! I even said out loud to my co-workers that I was grateful for his never ending good mood.

I went to the building across the parking lot to pee (there is no bathroom in my building) and this being a few hours later and my mood going up and down all day I had a look again. Quent, another co-worker asked how I was as he approached another door on the other side of the lot. I shrugged, said OK, and as he started to open the door hollard "Smile!" and I did, and I was grateful.

:-)