Overcoming Grief part 2

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In my first half of this two part study on ways in which we can overcome the grief we feel when someone we love dies, I talked about meditation to help relax and refocus your mind. To this end, even better I would say, is:
* Yoga. I love yoga, I love it because it is always a relaxing and energizing experience at the same time. Yes, both at the same time. You get a workout, and a meditation, usually together in the first half and then an extra meditation part at the end to relax with. I never got why yoga was so great till I realized that the way it is set up is like life, you are asked to assume a tricky position that gives you the workout part, toning and strengthening your body. You need to maintain this position for several moments, and breath and focus till it's over. They are teaching you how to breath and focus through the hard parts! This is essential to getting through the worst parts of a loved ones passing, you have to breath and focus.

* Remembering the person, and acknowledging the death
Is very important, if you were unable to attend the wake or funeral for your loved one a remembrance of your own is in order. Set aside a little time to be on your own, or if you feel you can't be alone right now then with a trusted friend. Go through old photos of your lost loved one, light a candle for them, watch videos of you two goofing off, and remember all the good times.

Make a college of all the things you two shared together and include, ticket stubs for concerts or sports games you went to together, pictures, maybe the menu from a restaurant you went to or the matchbook from a bar. Tokens, or pressed pennies from the arcade or the amusement park.

Did you work with them? Maybe one of their favorite pens from their desk at work, making sure that it is not something important to their family if you are not related. I have found (or done in the case of a death in my family) that if you just ask for some small memento of the person the family gladly obliges in giving out little photos or keepsakes. Add this to your college.

Take the time to either talk to the person or write them a letter. This can be while you make your college, as an addition to it; or on it's own as a separate tribute. In this talking/writing, clear your conscious. Apologies for anything that may have gone wrong, forgive the person for anything that may have happened in the relationship and know that you are forgiven for your wrong doings as well. This can be very hard if there was a fight going on when the person suddenly dies, and it is then that much more important that you understand that if there had been an end to the fight it would have worked out and forgive not only them but yourself. If not your run the risk of carrying the grief around with you forever, which is very unhealthy and will eventually drive you mad! It is not uncommon to see tearful Irish men at funerals shoving money into the hands of the deceased or the widow, one last chance to pay off that old debt and clear their conscious.

* Have a drink in their honer.
This usually happens at the wake, after a funeral. Not all cultures have wakes, or parties after the funeral. I am Irish and this is a big part of the death of a person, a party is in order because you all grieve and celebrate their life. Lots of drinks are poured in honor of the dead, lots of laughing is heard and lots of tears are shed. If you don't have this opportunity, having a drink with friends or even on your own in remembrance of them is good. Just don't go overboard.

The pain of grief can do lots of ugly things to people and it can be hard enough to cope without adding to problems one already has. If you have a substance abuse problem, replace the drink you are having for them with a non-alcohol option, like sparkling cider, or a Shirley Temple . I know this sounds dorky and death is a great excuse to fall off the wagon (whether that be with alcohol, drugs, mindless sex, or over-eating) because you are in pain, but the person you lost doesn't want you to lose yourself on their account. Their life on this earth is gone and they want you to go on and see and experience all the things they can't. They didn't die so you would wish you were dead too, they couldn't help what was going to happen, but you can help what happens to you. If you slip and fall, it is OK. Forgive yourself and get right back on that wagon and make the person you lost proud!

* Become a social butterfly.
Call all your friends and let them know a very important person died, add it as your mood on myspace or facebook. Tell people you want to get out of the house!
OK, so you faced the death head on. You acknowledged it, looked at pictures, made a college, went to the funeral, wrote a letter, talked to the person, forgave them, and forgave yourself. Now get out of your head and your house and have a good time!

It is easy to slip into depression after someone is gone. To get all locked up inside your head and stay at home and cry all day. The first few weeks after a death this is OK, important even in the grief process, but after a month, take up one of these suggestions. Even for a short time, go have lunch with someone, see a movie, or a play and forget for a little bit. It is not inappropriate to do so, no one is going to be offended that you took care of yourself for a few hours and forgot your troubles with a slice of pie and good company. You will eventually have to move on with your life, and starting the process slowly, will help you get a grip on the fact that life is still happening all around you.

~Sydney