Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Day of rain, night of traffic
I am waiting to go home from work. My man doesn't know how long it will take to get to me from his work, everyone is racing to to get prepared for the holiday tomorrow. I can not believe it is Thanksgiving tomorrow, I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. I am going to be extra thankful this time, life is not that bad.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Overcoming grief
With all that is happening in the world today, it is easy to get overwhelmed. It is easy to get lost, floating out in the middle of no where on a leaky raft.
We will have a new leader to the free world in two short months, but the changes Mr. Obama will set in motion in January will still take a while to have the desired effect, just like the down turn we are seeing now that started in September 2001. Although we hear about every move in the Presidential election, the government bailouts and rising cost of goods and services here in America, what if the state of the country is the least of your worries?
For a lot of people I know the economy is bottom of the 7 layer dip that makes up their lives. And although it went bad first the other six are all starting to rot as well. I know of at least 5 people that have died in the last 2 weeks, all friends or relatives of friends...or the guy that supposedly jumped from the top of the Arclight Theater parking lot last week (don't quote me, I still haven't found a news story).
So, how do you live a life of thanks, especially at this time of year with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, when someone you care about has left this life? There doesn't seem to be much to be grateful for, it takes time and love to heal the hole left your heart. Until then, how do you cope?
I am going to touch on a few ways to do just that in this two part article on Grief.
How do you live a grateful life when someone you love has died? How do you not hate the world? I don't think the problem lies in being un-grateful, or un-thankful. Those feelings and all the other ones we normally experience in our daily lives will go up and down on a crazy grief driven roller-coaster ride. Feelings of deep sorrow, regret, and anger can almost drown you yet, as you pass through such thoughts and emotions, a new sense of gratefulness for your own life will occur. You will become grateful for the time you spent with the person that has passed on, and for having your own life to carry on with. You can now go forward, see and experience the things they didn't get a chance to. That I feel is the ultimate highlight of death, it makes you grateful for your own life. This feeling usually comes with the last stage of grief, acceptance.
The person you love has passed on, to another place we are not able to go to at this stage in our lives, and although we miss them we are still here. This is hard, I was so used to seeing certain people that are now gone, I was almost waiting for them to come back and tell me what it was like to die. They would just walk in one day and say "oh dude! It was so cool, you shoulda been there!"
But I'm not. I'm still here. And sometimes, the pain is awful.
To relieve this mind shaking realization that the person you love is not going to be able to tell you this:
Take your mind off them. I know, it sounds cruel at first that you would think of anyone but the one you lost at a time like this, but it is very helpful in saving your sanity.
*Meditate
Take a few minutes a day (it really doesn't have to be much, just enough to get a grip on your thoughts, 5 minutes will even work in a pinch) and breath deeply and focus. This can be really hard for me, especially in the last few months focus has flown right out the window. But, when I do get a grip, I feel so much better. Breath deeply, focus on that breath. How it feels moving past your nose, how it feels to inflate your lungs. And think of a calm place, a wide pasture, the beach, the woods, your backyard; and repeat to yourself that all is right with the world, that you are at peace. I like to tell myself I am OK, I know this sounds corny and you’re thinking that it silly to talk to your self, but it helps. "I AM" on the in breath, "OK" on the out breath. So you are continually breathing in and out while repeating "I AM OK".
If you have the time, deeper meditation is key to helping you focus on long term goals of well-being and peace. Find a place you won't be disturbed, and get comfortable. Either by sitting up with your legs crossed, or laying down on your back (for deep meditation I like to sit because otherwise I risk falling asleep!), sitting on a chair is good too, but you want to sit upright, with almost a sense of pride, your chin level with your bent legs. Don't slouch into a ball. Close your eyes, or if you prefer you can focus JUST your eyes (not your whole head, keep that chin level) down and slightly in front of you, till they go out of focus a little. And form a picture of what you would like to accomplish. Do you want to take over the world? Buy a new car? Just be able to move through your day while dealing with depression? Just want to feel "OK"
Create a clear picture of yourself doing just that, as if it was already part of your life. From there it is simple to find a mantra to work with this picture, "I rule the world", "I drive a brand new BMW", "I am OK".
Anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour is good for this, again concentrate on your breath, repeat your mantra you have worked out for yourself. Go into deep detail about the task you want to accomplish until you are satisfied with the level of calm you are in, and then gently bring yourself out of your trance. It is helpful to ring a bell, or have a stereo nearby and turn up the volume a little at a time till you fell more awake. Stretch and open your eyes wide, slowly get up. You have just brought your blood pressure way down, so if you are sitting or laying on the floor be extra gentle with yourself so you don't fall down!
There are also some wonderful CDs that can help with this; it's how I got started on meditation in the first place! The tapes I had were so cheesy, the guy was from New York, heavy accent, and the bell at the end kinda freaked me out because I got so focused I forgot he was gonna ring it again when it was time to stop. But I kept at it and really began to look forward to extra time I had to but one of the tapes on. I am going to look into a few cool ones, till then I would recommend the following links, just to get a groove going, meditation is a very personal thing and to get started and find what works for you is the first step in a more focused recovery of your life, or, a loved ones death.
wikihow
Next time:
Laughing and drinking, the power and the pitfalls.
Kisses!
-Hell
We will have a new leader to the free world in two short months, but the changes Mr. Obama will set in motion in January will still take a while to have the desired effect, just like the down turn we are seeing now that started in September 2001. Although we hear about every move in the Presidential election, the government bailouts and rising cost of goods and services here in America, what if the state of the country is the least of your worries?
For a lot of people I know the economy is bottom of the 7 layer dip that makes up their lives. And although it went bad first the other six are all starting to rot as well. I know of at least 5 people that have died in the last 2 weeks, all friends or relatives of friends...or the guy that supposedly jumped from the top of the Arclight Theater parking lot last week (don't quote me, I still haven't found a news story).
So, how do you live a life of thanks, especially at this time of year with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, when someone you care about has left this life? There doesn't seem to be much to be grateful for, it takes time and love to heal the hole left your heart. Until then, how do you cope?
I am going to touch on a few ways to do just that in this two part article on Grief.
How do you live a grateful life when someone you love has died? How do you not hate the world? I don't think the problem lies in being un-grateful, or un-thankful. Those feelings and all the other ones we normally experience in our daily lives will go up and down on a crazy grief driven roller-coaster ride. Feelings of deep sorrow, regret, and anger can almost drown you yet, as you pass through such thoughts and emotions, a new sense of gratefulness for your own life will occur. You will become grateful for the time you spent with the person that has passed on, and for having your own life to carry on with. You can now go forward, see and experience the things they didn't get a chance to. That I feel is the ultimate highlight of death, it makes you grateful for your own life. This feeling usually comes with the last stage of grief, acceptance.
The person you love has passed on, to another place we are not able to go to at this stage in our lives, and although we miss them we are still here. This is hard, I was so used to seeing certain people that are now gone, I was almost waiting for them to come back and tell me what it was like to die. They would just walk in one day and say "oh dude! It was so cool, you shoulda been there!"
But I'm not. I'm still here. And sometimes, the pain is awful.
To relieve this mind shaking realization that the person you love is not going to be able to tell you this:
Take your mind off them. I know, it sounds cruel at first that you would think of anyone but the one you lost at a time like this, but it is very helpful in saving your sanity.
*Meditate
Take a few minutes a day (it really doesn't have to be much, just enough to get a grip on your thoughts, 5 minutes will even work in a pinch) and breath deeply and focus. This can be really hard for me, especially in the last few months focus has flown right out the window. But, when I do get a grip, I feel so much better. Breath deeply, focus on that breath. How it feels moving past your nose, how it feels to inflate your lungs. And think of a calm place, a wide pasture, the beach, the woods, your backyard; and repeat to yourself that all is right with the world, that you are at peace. I like to tell myself I am OK, I know this sounds corny and you’re thinking that it silly to talk to your self, but it helps. "I AM" on the in breath, "OK" on the out breath. So you are continually breathing in and out while repeating "I AM OK".
If you have the time, deeper meditation is key to helping you focus on long term goals of well-being and peace. Find a place you won't be disturbed, and get comfortable. Either by sitting up with your legs crossed, or laying down on your back (for deep meditation I like to sit because otherwise I risk falling asleep!), sitting on a chair is good too, but you want to sit upright, with almost a sense of pride, your chin level with your bent legs. Don't slouch into a ball. Close your eyes, or if you prefer you can focus JUST your eyes (not your whole head, keep that chin level) down and slightly in front of you, till they go out of focus a little. And form a picture of what you would like to accomplish. Do you want to take over the world? Buy a new car? Just be able to move through your day while dealing with depression? Just want to feel "OK"
Create a clear picture of yourself doing just that, as if it was already part of your life. From there it is simple to find a mantra to work with this picture, "I rule the world", "I drive a brand new BMW", "I am OK".
Anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour is good for this, again concentrate on your breath, repeat your mantra you have worked out for yourself. Go into deep detail about the task you want to accomplish until you are satisfied with the level of calm you are in, and then gently bring yourself out of your trance. It is helpful to ring a bell, or have a stereo nearby and turn up the volume a little at a time till you fell more awake. Stretch and open your eyes wide, slowly get up. You have just brought your blood pressure way down, so if you are sitting or laying on the floor be extra gentle with yourself so you don't fall down!
There are also some wonderful CDs that can help with this; it's how I got started on meditation in the first place! The tapes I had were so cheesy, the guy was from New York, heavy accent, and the bell at the end kinda freaked me out because I got so focused I forgot he was gonna ring it again when it was time to stop. But I kept at it and really began to look forward to extra time I had to but one of the tapes on. I am going to look into a few cool ones, till then I would recommend the following links, just to get a groove going, meditation is a very personal thing and to get started and find what works for you is the first step in a more focused recovery of your life, or, a loved ones death.
wikihow
Next time:
Laughing and drinking, the power and the pitfalls.
Kisses!
-Hell
Potluck love
Image from Here
From Wikipedia:
Folk etymology has derived the term "potluck" from the Native American custom of potlatch; the word "potluck", however, is actually of English origin. It is a portmanteau word formed from (cooking) pot and lucke. The earliest written citation is from 1592: "That that pure sanguine complexion of yours may never be famisht with pot lucke," Thomas Nashe.[3] As this shows, the original meaning was "food given away to guests", probably derived from "whatever food one is lucky enough to find in the pot", i.e. whatever food happens to be available, especially when offered to a guest. By extension, a more general meaning is "whatever is available in a particular circumstance or at a particular time."
I love potlucks, and I just got back from a great one here at work. This was a total surprise to me because things have sucked so much, not just in people’s personal lives, AND the economy but for the company. Moral has been very low. We all got together and did it though, and managed to smile, laugh and I actually remembered to take pictures too! My co-worker Peter remembered that a few people, including myself are vegetarians and brought cheese enchiladas, it rocked my world! It was the only dish without meat, thanks so much for remembering me Peter!
There is still pie over there and I can't stop thinking about it! Ack!
I am a huge fan of pie, anything with sugar in it actually but baked goods especially. I would rather have a baked treat than candy any day. Have you ever seen Michael, with John Travolta? There is a scene, where they are all eating pie, and so happy about it and thankful that they have it. That’s how I feel about pie. I don’t think I could pick just one kind. There was pumpkin, and lemon, and pecan, but I opted for chocolate chip cheesecake…it was a hard decision.
What’s your favorite kind of pie? What made today worth getting up for?
Monday, November 24, 2008
End to the week's end
Hi!
Ah, Monday. It was hard to get out of bed this morning, it was so comfortable and warm! I really didn't want to go back to work, i was not as productive in my cleaning tasks as I had hoped, and it was cold out.
Ah, Monday. It was hard to get out of bed this morning, it was so comfortable and warm! I really didn't want to go back to work, i was not as productive in my cleaning tasks as I had hoped, and it was cold out.
But, I had a pretty good weekend! Saturday was the best day by far, it was full of stuff I like doing (except riding the bus) and I was thankful for such a fun and relaxing two days off. How was yours?
I had belly dance class on Saturday, not really first thing (it's at 1:30pm) but slept late and wandered over on the bus. It was the first time I really "got" the across the floor combo she gave, because for the first time she counted it...correctly!
I am a bit biased, my father was a musician, my man is a musician, I have danced for 9 years now, and have taken music classes....So I get a little insulted when someone that hasn't always been in time (musically that is, not like, she lives in a different time period...or maybe she does, I don't know) tells me how to count music. She was upset that we hadn't already started doing it. I didn't because everyone teaches a class differently, and she had never counted before...I thought it was maybe her thing, since she never gives any kind of example anyway. So I am grateful that I went, it made me feel better, and grateful that I got the combinations but I still don't really like this teacher and probably won't take her class again.
Then I took a bus out to Burbank and drove down to Anaheim to see Buckethead! Whoo Hoo!
Highlight of my whole weekend.
Buckethead is one of the most amazing guitar players of our time, and well worth the money to but tickets. Which we did long before my pay cut so it was a nice break from the heavy, worry we have been carrying around for a few days. It was one of the most packed shows I have ever been to, and House of Blues Anaheim is a good sized place. That 1 Guy opened, and if you have never heard of him you have to, have to, HAVE TO listen to his stuff. It will blow your fucking pants off. And he was so funny! I just decided to post video from the show that night. Down at the bottom of this post. It's not my video and the quality isn't the best, but you gotta love the Internet. You can see what I saw! Because someone had a camera and posted it on you-tube! Yey! Wow, and I thought I belonged to another era. Right.
Anyways..I love music! I love to go out dancing to good, funky, music. With a solid beat that thumps down into you so far you feel it in your groin. One of life's blissful pleasures.
I also have to point out the incredible fact that when Mr. Buckethead holds the guitar away from his body, he is STILL PLAYING. With his left hand on the frets, he thumps out the song. It blows me away!
I couldn't find any video of That 1 Guy from that night, but this video gets the point across perfectly.
What kind of music makes you happy? What made your weekend great?
I had belly dance class on Saturday, not really first thing (it's at 1:30pm) but slept late and wandered over on the bus. It was the first time I really "got" the across the floor combo she gave, because for the first time she counted it...correctly!
I am a bit biased, my father was a musician, my man is a musician, I have danced for 9 years now, and have taken music classes....So I get a little insulted when someone that hasn't always been in time (musically that is, not like, she lives in a different time period...or maybe she does, I don't know) tells me how to count music. She was upset that we hadn't already started doing it. I didn't because everyone teaches a class differently, and she had never counted before...I thought it was maybe her thing, since she never gives any kind of example anyway. So I am grateful that I went, it made me feel better, and grateful that I got the combinations but I still don't really like this teacher and probably won't take her class again.
Then I took a bus out to Burbank and drove down to Anaheim to see Buckethead! Whoo Hoo!
Highlight of my whole weekend.
Buckethead is one of the most amazing guitar players of our time, and well worth the money to but tickets. Which we did long before my pay cut so it was a nice break from the heavy, worry we have been carrying around for a few days. It was one of the most packed shows I have ever been to, and House of Blues Anaheim is a good sized place. That 1 Guy opened, and if you have never heard of him you have to, have to, HAVE TO listen to his stuff. It will blow your fucking pants off. And he was so funny! I just decided to post video from the show that night. Down at the bottom of this post. It's not my video and the quality isn't the best, but you gotta love the Internet. You can see what I saw! Because someone had a camera and posted it on you-tube! Yey! Wow, and I thought I belonged to another era. Right.
Anyways..I love music! I love to go out dancing to good, funky, music. With a solid beat that thumps down into you so far you feel it in your groin. One of life's blissful pleasures.
I also have to point out the incredible fact that when Mr. Buckethead holds the guitar away from his body, he is STILL PLAYING. With his left hand on the frets, he thumps out the song. It blows me away!
I couldn't find any video of That 1 Guy from that night, but this video gets the point across perfectly.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thank God it's Friday
So I made it through the week! WhooHoo!
Today I am thankful it is Friday, that I have a job, and that I got paid today. I get to go grocery shopping! Yey! Which means food! Yey!
Oh my god I am super thankful that it is Thanksgiving week too because the sales at the supermarket are incredible right now!
And I am just as thankful as the girl to the left, for my right hand. After all a girls best friend is her right hand!
Heh heh.
Edit @ 10:30pm
I would like to add that I am so very thankful for my sister Les, she was just here and we had a smoke and a laugh and she rocks. Thanks Les!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Let's Begin
Hello there, welcome to my "Blessings Blog" which is what I was originally going to call it and then thought "I'm not homeless" would be way funnier. And true. And the number one thing I count each time life comes in and smacks me in the head with how mean, thoughtless, rude, impossible, frustrating and mind-blowing it sometimes tends to be at my expense. Which seems like a lot lately. I am no saint mind you. I have treated some people very thoughtlessly over the short time I have spent on this earth. Some, I still do (although it is more out of honest preoccupation in keeping all other crap taken care of and all the fires put out than me just wanting to be young and have fun and not give a shit). For this I believe I am receiving a healthy does of karma, and the powers that be are telling me to look at how I treat people, and their hearts. I am working on making amends. To those that I have been careless with I apologise...again. I really have had no idea what I was doing, and am now paying more attention. If I have overlooked our friendship, or made you feel weird or upset, I will do whatever I can to set that right.
Things in my life have spun out of control, or I gave the control up, or someone else took it. I have never felt as lost in my life as I do now, my sanity is circling the drain. I am working on that, in as many ways as I know how. To help, I look for the good in each day. I count all the smiles, and try to forget all the fights. And really...this struck me the other night, (not the idea for this blog, that came today after the second coworker that saw me sad made me smile.) coming home from Rally's with my chocolate shake. I could taste all the chocolate syrup they put in it, and that made me think of Vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup on it, and that gave me a quick jolt backward...about 5 years...and my mother struggling to enjoy Vanilla ice cream with chocolate on it and complaining that it tasted like dust, that everything tasted like dust. That the chimo therapy had so completely ruined her taste buds, nothing tasted good anymore....
All of a sudden, I was so very grateful for my taste buds. That I could taste that shake, that I could taste food. That I can walk, and breath, and dance. I know this sounds hokey, but I have had a very hard year, and it is only getting worse. But right then, I had nothing to complain about. Well, not just right then. Now too. I'm not homeless. I am not quite starving. I have a family that loves me. I have a boyfriend that loves me. I have a warm bed. I am a creative person. I have hot, clean running water. I have friends. My life plan is not completely shot, I have ways to get out of this mess and I have started to put them to action. I live in America, and although it has been going down the tubes, I can still be anything I damn well please wither that is a billing clerk or a porn star. I can wear whatever I want, and am not beaten for not wearing my burka. I am only as trapped as I let my mind tell me I am.
So this is my page of gratefulness. I will add to it each day with what made me smile, what I thanked the powers that be for sending my way. I encourage you to join me, either in the comments or by sending me and email and I'll post it in the blog itself.
To start the list, or add to the above as it were:
Yesterday I had am awesome sandwhich from Quiznos. I had really confused the girl on my order, twice, and was lucky they didn't spit in it. I sat next to my man, moved my chair closer to his and thanked god for the food. I hadn't eaten all day do to a very long and somewhat disappointing haircut/color by students at Vidal Sassoon (oh! I am also grateful I have hair) and that sandwhich tasted so good. She even asked if it was good as I took my tray to the trash and I exclaimed it was perfect! I hope she really believed me, I am also working on giving sincere appreciateion to the people that do nice things for me.
I had a sad start to my day today, and couldn't help showing it on my face. I used to be worried about this and fake it and muddle through but it has been hard at the job I am at. There are only about 3 other people that don't take out their bad days on you here and so now I don't care as much if I show some pain. A co-worker, Johnny came in (and he is one of the above 3 by the way, even if life is really shitty for him he won't let you know) and saw my face. He cracked a joke and did a little jig thingy, and made me smile. I was so much better! I even said out loud to my co-workers that I was grateful for his never ending good mood.
I went to the building across the parking lot to pee (there is no bathroom in my building) and this being a few hours later and my mood going up and down all day I had a look again. Quent, another co-worker asked how I was as he approached another door on the other side of the lot. I shrugged, said OK, and as he started to open the door hollard "Smile!" and I did, and I was grateful.
:-)
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