Hello there, welcome to my "Blessings Blog" which is what I was originally going to call it and then thought "I'm not homeless" would be way funnier. And true. And the number one thing I count each time life comes in and smacks me in the head with how mean, thoughtless, rude, impossible, frustrating and mind-blowing it sometimes tends to be at my expense. Which seems like a lot lately. I am no saint mind you. I have treated some people very thoughtlessly over the short time I have spent on this earth. Some, I still do (although it is more out of honest preoccupation in keeping all other crap taken care of and all the fires put out than me just wanting to be young and have fun and not give a shit). For this I believe I am receiving a healthy does of karma, and the powers that be are telling me to look at how I treat people, and their hearts. I am working on making amends. To those that I have been careless with I apologise...again. I really have had no idea what I was doing, and am now paying more attention. If I have overlooked our friendship, or made you feel weird or upset, I will do whatever I can to set that right.
Things in my life have spun out of control, or I gave the control up, or someone else took it. I have never felt as lost in my life as I do now, my sanity is circling the drain. I am working on that, in as many ways as I know how. To help, I look for the good in each day. I count all the smiles, and try to forget all the fights. And really...this struck me the other night, (not the idea for this blog, that came today after the second coworker that saw me sad made me smile.) coming home from Rally's with my chocolate shake. I could taste all the chocolate syrup they put in it, and that made me think of Vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup on it, and that gave me a quick jolt backward...about 5 years...and my mother struggling to enjoy Vanilla ice cream with chocolate on it and complaining that it tasted like dust, that everything tasted like dust. That the chimo therapy had so completely ruined her taste buds, nothing tasted good anymore....
All of a sudden, I was so very grateful for my taste buds. That I could taste that shake, that I could taste food. That I can walk, and breath, and dance. I know this sounds hokey, but I have had a very hard year, and it is only getting worse. But right then, I had nothing to complain about. Well, not just right then. Now too. I'm not homeless. I am not quite starving. I have a family that loves me. I have a boyfriend that loves me. I have a warm bed. I am a creative person. I have hot, clean running water. I have friends. My life plan is not completely shot, I have ways to get out of this mess and I have started to put them to action. I live in America, and although it has been going down the tubes, I can still be anything I damn well please wither that is a billing clerk or a porn star. I can wear whatever I want, and am not beaten for not wearing my burka. I am only as trapped as I let my mind tell me I am.
So this is my page of gratefulness. I will add to it each day with what made me smile, what I thanked the powers that be for sending my way. I encourage you to join me, either in the comments or by sending me and email and I'll post it in the blog itself.
To start the list, or add to the above as it were:
Yesterday I had am awesome sandwhich from Quiznos. I had really confused the girl on my order, twice, and was lucky they didn't spit in it. I sat next to my man, moved my chair closer to his and thanked god for the food. I hadn't eaten all day do to a very long and somewhat disappointing haircut/color by students at Vidal Sassoon (oh! I am also grateful I have hair) and that sandwhich tasted so good. She even asked if it was good as I took my tray to the trash and I exclaimed it was perfect! I hope she really believed me, I am also working on giving sincere appreciateion to the people that do nice things for me.
I had a sad start to my day today, and couldn't help showing it on my face. I used to be worried about this and fake it and muddle through but it has been hard at the job I am at. There are only about 3 other people that don't take out their bad days on you here and so now I don't care as much if I show some pain. A co-worker, Johnny came in (and he is one of the above 3 by the way, even if life is really shitty for him he won't let you know) and saw my face. He cracked a joke and did a little jig thingy, and made me smile. I was so much better! I even said out loud to my co-workers that I was grateful for his never ending good mood.
I went to the building across the parking lot to pee (there is no bathroom in my building) and this being a few hours later and my mood going up and down all day I had a look again. Quent, another co-worker asked how I was as he approached another door on the other side of the lot. I shrugged, said OK, and as he started to open the door hollard "Smile!" and I did, and I was grateful.
:-)
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