The Obligotory end of year post

Have a safe, warm, happy, fun night tonight and an amazing, peaceful, and healthy 2013!

Saturday Happy Song - Christmas Edition

It's Saturday, it's Christmas weekend. It's been lazy, but not in ways I was wishing for. Tree trimmers were outside my apartment building at 8am...I was so pissed, I so looked forward to sleeping in. Are you all ready for Christmas? All the shopping done? the presents wrapped? the cookies baked? Yeah, me neither. This is going to be one busy, but festive and merry weekend.

Last year was a bit depressing and dark. We've decided to embrace the season this year, and I think it's a very wise choice. I couldn't deal at all last year, and while this one hasn't been all roses and chocolate, it's nice to be more festive. To create new traditions and memories. It's a vital part of moving forward with one's life.

On Tuesday I went to lunch at CityWalk with 2 work comrades. 2 I used to have regular lunch dates with, but haven't in a while due to my exercise routine, which has lapsed completely, but that's a different rant. Any-how we got to talking about Christmas Music when one said they hated it, and I agreed, and then we scrutinized this statement further and  realized there are a few songs we do like. I do enjoy Mannheim Steamroller, and Trans Siberian Orchestra, though the comrades didn't completely agree. I most enjoy Carol of the Bells by both bands, as that is my sole favorite Christmas song. I thought. As we wandered back to work we passed shops playing Christmas music the whole way, and The Waitresses " Christmas Wrapping" was being piped out of one place. Angie and I love that song we both said at the same time! I then mentioned The Kinks Father Christmas, which is currently being used in a Google Chrome commercial. I got to thinking that there a few, albeit more alternative, but still...Christmas songs I actually do enjoy. Listed below for your listening pleasure. Happy Saturday!

Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

 

 

 

The Kinks -- Father Christmas

 

Dropkick Murphys - "The Season's Upon Us"

 

The Nutcracker Suite - Tchaikovsky - Disney's Fantasia

 

And of course:

Manheim Steamroller - "Carol Of The Bells"

(this video with this music is hilarious)

A life without storms

"I long ago abandoned the notion of a life without storms, or a world without dry and killing seasons. Life is too complicated, too constantly changing, to be anything but what it is. And I am, by nature, too mercurial to be anything but deeply wary of the grave unnaturalness involved in any attempt to exert too much control over essentially uncontrollable forces. There will always be propelling, disturbing elements, and they will be there until, as Lowell put it, the watch is taken from the wrist. It is, at the end of the day, the individual moments of restlessness, of bleakness, of strong persuasions and maddened enthusiasms, that inform one's life, change the nature and direction of one's work, and give final meaning and color to one's loves and friendships."  ~Kay Redfield Jamison

The Work

"I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn't believe them, I didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always." — Byron Katie

http://thework.com/thework.php

 

Matisyahu feat. Akon - One Day - Saturday Happy Song

Progress - Definition of:

prog·ress  (prgrs, -rs, prgrs)n.

1. Movement, as toward a goal; advance.

2. Development or growth: students who show progress.

3. Steady improvement.  as of a society or civilization: a believer in human progress.
4. A ceremonial journey made by a sovereign through his or her realm.

(link)

The cheerful are seldom attacked

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‘BIRDS OF THE MONTHS - DECEMBER - ROBIN.’

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The Krampus Song - Saturday Happy Song

Cause it's the season and cause I love Mr. Krampus, here's The Krampus Song! Happy Saturday everyone!
(I have to credit Ezra Pound Cake for turning me on to this one)

Happy Birthday Mama

♥

Out on the street, they call it murder...

 Facebook. The amazing frustrations of Facebook. I only keep the stupid thing to keep in touch with certain people that I otherwise wouldn't and too see all the family photos others post. My family is really, REALLY bad at staying in touch, and while this has left me hurt many times over, it's nothing I can control and so I just stalk their facebook pages to see what they are up to. It's sad, I know, but this is what has happened to humanity.
The latest upset facebook has brought me is the blunt realization that not only is it the only way I communicate with a whole section of people in my life, but, what sort of content that section (well, all of my facebook friends in this case) approve of and pay attention to. Case in point: today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 65, she is dead and has been dead for 8 years. Lots of likes on my happy birthday message to my mama, lots of likes and comments on the photos. Yesterday however, I begged my facebook community to watch and share the below video, of 2 men that are suspected of stabbing to death my friend and fellow artist/photographer Ila Packman.Not one like, share, comment, nada. Nothing.

Fascinating.  People and the things they pay attention to are fascinating.

Anyhow, this isn't  facebook rant post, although it kinda turned out to be and that was very, liberating since I don't actually speak this freely on facebook cause people get all butt hurt...Please watch and share the below video. Please say something if you know anything. Please? There's a reward....

Krampus is coming, Merry Christmas!

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I almost totally forgot that tonight and tomorrow night (December 5th and/or 6th depending on the source it seems) are Krampusnacht where we celebrate the evil Krampus as he comes to take little children that were bad this year down to HELL. Then, Santa will bring the good little children presents. It's so amazingly scary and so much better balanced than lumps of coal, dontcha think? 

What would our world be like if we had a Krampus here in America and not just lumps of coal? Or, for many, no lumps of coal...no real consequences for your bad behavior at all...
I was first introduced to the Krampus when I came across THIS little book at some book store in god-knows-where-Hell-A. Then, I instantly fell in love. My older sister doesn't understand the fascination  but, he's akin to The Devil and keeps spoiled brats in check. What's not to like? Plus, he is featured in lots of amazing, beautiful and cleaver Victorian era postcards and artwork:

Also, we went and got our tree tonight, our first tree in 4 years and our first real full sized tree. SO excited. Our Christmas season has begun! Huzzah! 

More on that later.

DO IT! Do the thing!!

Savor the flavor

A place for us

I will not break

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Backsliding

It was a hard week...
Thanksgiving was, hard. Thanksgiving weekend was also hard, and so for the last week and a half I have been backsliding into sadness and bad habits. It's been gloomy and rainy all week as well, which hasn't helped. I did go to belly dance last Tuesday, but that and a half-assed walk on Monday are all the exercise I did last week. I can feel myself getting fatter again.

Blah.

Gotta get back on that horse tomorrow. Back to the back lot hills, the meditation, jounal-ing, eating smart. I ate so much sugar today...

Last Monday a life changing event came to pass, and I have yet to be able to completely allow the relief wash over me. I have learned so well that any type of relief in my life that allows me to let my guard down is false. That I personally should never let my guard down, for any reason, cause it only comes back to haunt me. I have been told, by a couple people, but most noticeably by a gifted dance master I desperately wanted acceptance from, that when I let my guard down I become lazy and my work unacceptable. SO, in turn I am either anxious and over working, or I give up on any good coming from anything I do and become depressed and despondent...and now that I have articulated this in words I sound manic and crazy.

Fabulous.

SO, right now I feel fat, sad and...well, crazy.

Back on that horse tomorrow...get back on that horse.

Pink

This creature is actually helping keep me sane. ♥

Saturday Happy Song - The Avalanches - 'Frontier Psychiatrist'

Stoker Doodle

I like today's Google Doodle. It's Bram Stoker's 165th birthday today. These are the search results when you click on the doodle. I'm not sure who the artist is, but the style is reminiscent (to me) of Edward Gorey.

Let Go

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Happy Halloween!

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If I think I can, I KNOW you can.

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Girl, you betta WORK!

 

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"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need."
~Voltaire 

Dance

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Nobody cares
if you can’t dance well.
Just get up and dance.
Great dancers are not great
because of their technique,
they are great because of
their PASSION.
-Martha Graham

Back to stick my finger in this outlet

Back,

I’m back to this forum, to use this outlet, to improve myself, my ideas. To have a place to vent, a public place, but a place nonetheless. Don’t misunderstand me, I also journal, but this spot helped and was a wonderful repository for the things I was thankful for, the things that made me smile and the things that inspired me. I need that now, more than ever probably. This was a place where I could vent about being Sydney C. and all the frustrations that life brought her, while feeding and nurturing Sydney Hell, the woman I wanted to be. The alter-ego that was a little more outspoken; a lot more creative, and much more at peace. Sydney Hell was never, fully alive in any form, not strong enough to stand on her own 2 feet, and Sydney C. had so much on her plate, so much…survival to concern herself with that my concentration needed to be there. Then, one dark and cold September morning in 2011, Sydney C. was killed, bullet straight through the heart. An angry, confused, lost, resentful, catty, self-destructive bitch left in her place. She had all this stuff she left behind, and all these responsibilities to take care of, all these people that needed her, this fancy new corporate job that destruct-o bitch was gonna have to maintain if she wanted to eat…so, destruct-o bitch has had to pick Sydney C. up and Meat-Puppet her around for over a year, making her smile, forcing focus, pretending to care. A year…the longest, shortest, strangest, most painful year of my entire life so far; I do hope it gets better from here on out, but I hold little hope, hope for anything at all died with Sydney C. A year, and a month actually, almost 13 moths to the day today that my entire world turned on its head, a year that has left me, tired, sad, and, uninspired.

I know I have done end of year reviews in the past, and have highlighted the things that were good, the things that changed me, the things I learned, tried to take the lesson away, tried to see the best. Every year is a mixed bag, and the start of 2011 was amazing for me, things were starting to work. I was creative, productive, inspired. I had 2 showings of my photography, was working constantly (freelance, no insurance, but was delusional enough to think it was gonna last.), I got an interview and then a job at one of the largest studios in the world, and then had the insurance and stability I so desperately needed. I had purpose, on many levels, for the first time.

Then, my dad killed himself, and it all went down the drain. I lost myself in the pain and confusion. Even though there had been good earlier that year, it didn’t matter, even though there is always possibility for good in the future, that didn’t matter either. There was (is, has been, always will be) pain. Nothing but pain. Do you remember the 1990’s movie Death Becomes Her? And at some point Goldie Hawn’s character is shot through the middle and since she is basically undead it leaves a hole? 

Yeah, that’s what I feel like every day. I hear, from other “survivors of suicide” that this is the way they all feel, always, it doesn’t go away, you simply learn to live with it. Like, a person with chronic back problems, or someone that lost a leg in battle, you learn work arounds to live with the pain. Lovely.

I’ve jammed the hole with all kinds of stuff, trying to fill it up. It’s left me tired, upset and…well, still blown half apart. The point I started to realize this wasn’t going to help, was after purchasing a case of Two-buck-chuck at Trader Joe’s, and then about a week and a half later, my partner, trying to make room in the pantry, lined up the bottles left on the counter. There were 4. 4 bottles of wine left. We drink together, and I’ve seen him drink this whole week, and didn’t see him drink much of this wine. When doing the math and consulting him I realized I had had about 1 bottle of wine a night, all by myself. Shit. At about this same point it came to my attention that I did not fit into any of my clothes any longer, and my skin was a mess. I cried(and this was before stressing my back out of whack and somehow compounding 2 ribs into my left lung. Surprised the hell out of the chiropractor). I cried and he held me and listened to me vent about how much food and drink and crap I had tried to jam in the hole. How the hole was just as large as ever and I was starting to look and feel worse. That was May of this year. Now, I know I’m not a full blown alcoholic, or drug addict, I’m not here telling you how I’m homeless and have been fucking people to get to my next hit of heroin or my next bag of speed. I know there are a lot  of people that have it a LOT worse than I do. I know many of them. We are still living in a god damned depression in this country and I personally know many people that have gone home to live with their parents, or  are sleeping in their cars, or in parking lots and have no jobs. But, this is enough for me, like I said, I’ve lowered my standards, my expectations, on everything.

So, I’m back to use this as an outlet again as a means to a more fulfilling life. I didn’t need to explain my journey to anyone reading this either, so if you rolled your eyes and said I’ve never seen pain then go fuck off home. This is my space and I’ll use it as I like. I did this to vent and…give insight to the lurkers out there, cause I’m a lurker to a lot of strangers that I follow, and I do actually care even if I have said little to them ever. So, for those of you that like me: Stick around, I’ll post some pretty shit with inspiring quotes under it and crap.

~Sydney