"And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?"

~ Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Oh wow, I've been gone all summer...just posting Saturday Happy Songs....and the pre-loaded posts ran out at the start of this month! oops, oh well.

I will have photos for you tonight. All the missing monthly photos.
This round of the depression is lifting. It will be a productive fall season.

Talk soon,
~Syd

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily." ~ Zig Ziglar

Oops, another Saturday with no Saturday happy song.
Sorry about that guys!
I have been so pre-occupied with all the other stuff in life. Thankfully there has been a lot of creative stuff going on as well and I will try and share some of that with you soon. 

S-Town

I started S-Town, totally unaware of what it was about. I am halfway through chapter 4 and...crying. I can't decide if I can finish it. Even though I know I have to, it may take a really long time. The parallels between the protagonist and my father, this man's life and death, are startling.

I guess that's all the update I really have. I'm home sick. I have a company laptop and cell phone so there is no excuse not to get work done. I guess it's a kind of perk that I don't have to use sick days, and I hope I am paid out for them at the end of the year...though I doubt it. So, I'm working from home, listening to S-Town on NPR...and trying not to totally lose it.

Ooh..no update in a while.

I'm still here, toiling away. The depression has gotten so bad I am in full hate myself mode. I haven't done anything about it and it's getting worse. So, I need to stop feeding it. I have to embrace spring, and sunshine and cleaning and go back to fighting for the things I want to do.

I signed up for Shimmy Mob today even though I can't really afford it. It's gonna make me dance again and I haven't been real great at doing that on my own...

So, that's something.

Photo Update Feb 2017 - Part 2

We went to 80's prom at The Fonda in Hollywood. It was fun. I went as Adam Ant, because he's amazing and it's a full costume I already have ready to go.

I'm really working on make-up and costume looks when I have free time...I think I got a better response from the white flowers than the dark mask, but I really like the juxtaposition when they are presented together.

I keep trying to down size my apartment and go through things and get rid of them. Went trough old VHS tapes, found a good one with my sister on it from 1999!!

 I made a greasy grilled cheese and deep fried my own french fries for Fat Tuesday with the aim of eating better for lent. AHAHA...right...I did realize I hate deep frying food, and should leave it to professionals.

Photo update Feb 2017 - Part 1

Valentines I made for the girlfriends of the other guys in Steve's band + one for a great friend Clarissa.(I could only manage this many this year, sorry I didn't get any out in the mail to anyone!!)

 My co-worker has a whole bunch of fruit trees in her backyard! She brought me all the beautiful citrus!

 Flowers for Valentine's Day from the aforementioned amazing Clarissa. ♥

 Last of my tomatoes from the plant I got at 99 cent store that Steve kept alive. 

 Screw the roses, I got Mexican food for Valentines day, cause he knows the real way to my heart! ♥

Ok, in a panicked moment I was calculating a gross income and a net income and got confused.
I'miss coming out about even...

So, now that I have adjusted (down) my health insurance and what I am contributing to my 401K, I actually make over a grand less PER MONTH at this job than I did at the last one.

I am so beyond fucked you guys. 

I have to stay off Facebook. God help me some of the people I know are huge fucking idiots. All the conservative crazies are on one friend list, and for awhile I thought it was amusing to check in, but, it's just depressing now...
And besides, I was given another show to oversee at work and I'm confused and fucking up all the time, so I should focus on that...social media is a good escape from all my actual worries and feelings, so I like it, but I think it might be helping my depression along. I have to go back to really trying for healthy habits and not just eating sugar all the time and hating myself. ..but it's been hard. 

“Everyone needs fudge, Hildy. It's how God helps us cope.”
― Joan Bauer, Peeled

Photo update - January 2017

So, last month in photos:

Although we were supposed to go to a friend's house for New Years Eve, I was there the night before to decorate, had a fight with my boyfriend, and was a little um...depressed about my birthday and getting older than I'd like to be for where I am in life. So, we stayed in. I flaked on my friend, and she had been so good to me, and bought me nice gifts and a cake, and I just couldn't get myself out the door. I realized that the entire 10 years me and Mr. So and So have been together we have never stayed home for New Years Eve. Never. It was wonderful, it was mellow, it got hot and steamy. And the best part? I have never run in the New Year at midnight with my Pink!! SO here is the first picture of 2017 with the love of my life, Pink (The Cat):

 So glad this champagne is actually tasty cause I bought it totally for the label:

 

Waiting for Steve so we can go to the beach cause that's what I wanted to do for my birthday:

I just wanted to be out in nature of some kind. We ended up at Topanga State Beach:

Sunset on the first day of 2017:

Cool underground bridge deal:

Pretty flowers my friend Mia gave me for my birthday:

 A couple days later the lily bloomed. I love lilies:

I made vegetarian chili fries;

  This is where I work now/ I sit on the left, and the crazy girl that sometimes doesn't talk to me sits on the right;

January birthdays at work, and though I didn't want to tell them it was my birthday, I did want a cupcake:

 

http://thatnightmare-syd.tumblr.com/post/156207684402/mental-health-starter-pack-for-times-of-change

 

 

http://thatnightmare-syd.tumblr.com/post/149020669192/via-popkey

 

Updates and rants

I never explained in this space the last quarter of 2016 which lead to an absence in expressive outlets and frustrations mentioned in earlier posts.

Oct 5th started out a really great day. I got up early, the boyfriend and his friend/music business partner left for a guys/business trip they were both looking forward to, I was gonna get all kinds of creative stuff done. I gave my goodbyes and bounded off to work. I had dressed nice, put in effort, and had a great morning. My manager rushed along the bullpen and told us all there was a last minute meeting with the VP we all had to get to right away, and then would not walk with us. I was really ticked off that the rumor was we were being fired, I was holding out hope we were just being told they were moving us again.

All 18 of us were laid off. We were given a long out date, because they were automating our workflows and needed us to help move that process along, so I would have a job for 10 months.
It seemed like wonderful news, but it was a mixed blessing. Lots of time to figure out our next move, but lots of time to stew and gossip and sulk and slack. Rumor was the norm.

A friend of mine was called back about her job application at a company in our industry, and since she had already taken another job offer, she recommended me. They liked me, and made me a pretty good offer. I jumped ship. I was scared.

Wrapping up my old job, getting the flu, sleeping as much as possible over the 2 days I had before the new job started, starting the new job full of dayquil, Christmas, food poisoning, New Year, birthday, trying to reconcile my current age...feeling uncomfortable about my current age...going back to new job with no long holiday breaks coming up, and really trying to fit in, and learn the work and be confidant cause I really rocked at my old job and I don't yet at this one, but they hired me because I worked for a large studio and rocked at it...

Well, it's taken till after the most lovely 3 day weekend we had (Cause they give us Martin Luther King day off!! YAY!) to really try to re-focus what's been going on and the blur that the last 3 months has been. I cannot believe that much time has gone by that all of this happened in, I am really kinda spent and depressed now because it's all over and I don't have to try and make it all work and worry about what's next, and I can just go back to working (cause I pretty much know what I'm doing now, I just have to go in each day and keep the plates spinning, but I know the order in which they spin now) and trying to improve myself and my life.

I think I have some anxiety because there is not some current condition I have to fix. There were a string of many ordeals and now there really isn't anything left to do but go back to making things the way I want them in my life.

A wave of relief and gratitude just washed over me.  I need to organize out my projects I think. :)

Little reminders....