S-Town

I started S-Town, totally unaware of what it was about. I am halfway through chapter 4 and...crying. I can't decide if I can finish it. Even though I know I have to, it may take a really long time. The parallels between the protagonist and my father, this man's life and death, are startling.

I guess that's all the update I really have. I'm home sick. I have a company laptop and cell phone so there is no excuse not to get work done. I guess it's a kind of perk that I don't have to use sick days, and I hope I am paid out for them at the end of the year...though I doubt it. So, I'm working from home, listening to S-Town on NPR...and trying not to totally lose it.

Ok, in a panicked moment I was calculating a gross income and a net income and got confused.
I'miss coming out about even...

So, now that I have adjusted (down) my health insurance and what I am contributing to my 401K, I actually make over a grand less PER MONTH at this job than I did at the last one.

I am so beyond fucked you guys. 

I have to stay off Facebook. God help me some of the people I know are huge fucking idiots. All the conservative crazies are on one friend list, and for awhile I thought it was amusing to check in, but, it's just depressing now...
And besides, I was given another show to oversee at work and I'm confused and fucking up all the time, so I should focus on that...social media is a good escape from all my actual worries and feelings, so I like it, but I think it might be helping my depression along. I have to go back to really trying for healthy habits and not just eating sugar all the time and hating myself. ..but it's been hard. 

Updates and rants

I never explained in this space the last quarter of 2016 which lead to an absence in expressive outlets and frustrations mentioned in earlier posts.

Oct 5th started out a really great day. I got up early, the boyfriend and his friend/music business partner left for a guys/business trip they were both looking forward to, I was gonna get all kinds of creative stuff done. I gave my goodbyes and bounded off to work. I had dressed nice, put in effort, and had a great morning. My manager rushed along the bullpen and told us all there was a last minute meeting with the VP we all had to get to right away, and then would not walk with us. I was really ticked off that the rumor was we were being fired, I was holding out hope we were just being told they were moving us again.

All 18 of us were laid off. We were given a long out date, because they were automating our workflows and needed us to help move that process along, so I would have a job for 10 months.
It seemed like wonderful news, but it was a mixed blessing. Lots of time to figure out our next move, but lots of time to stew and gossip and sulk and slack. Rumor was the norm.

A friend of mine was called back about her job application at a company in our industry, and since she had already taken another job offer, she recommended me. They liked me, and made me a pretty good offer. I jumped ship. I was scared.

Wrapping up my old job, getting the flu, sleeping as much as possible over the 2 days I had before the new job started, starting the new job full of dayquil, Christmas, food poisoning, New Year, birthday, trying to reconcile my current age...feeling uncomfortable about my current age...going back to new job with no long holiday breaks coming up, and really trying to fit in, and learn the work and be confidant cause I really rocked at my old job and I don't yet at this one, but they hired me because I worked for a large studio and rocked at it...

Well, it's taken till after the most lovely 3 day weekend we had (Cause they give us Martin Luther King day off!! YAY!) to really try to re-focus what's been going on and the blur that the last 3 months has been. I cannot believe that much time has gone by that all of this happened in, I am really kinda spent and depressed now because it's all over and I don't have to try and make it all work and worry about what's next, and I can just go back to working (cause I pretty much know what I'm doing now, I just have to go in each day and keep the plates spinning, but I know the order in which they spin now) and trying to improve myself and my life.

I think I have some anxiety because there is not some current condition I have to fix. There were a string of many ordeals and now there really isn't anything left to do but go back to making things the way I want them in my life.

A wave of relief and gratitude just washed over me.  I need to organize out my projects I think. :)

We finally got a decent manager in here, she was cool.

As of this morning, she's gone...we're hoping she quit and was not fired, but no one will say.

Bummer.

There's been a lot of bummers lately. Gotta re-think shit, gotta do some new stuff, make things fresh...without money, or people paying for their damn purchases on eBay (second time in a row, on the same damn item!)

Time to stir the pot!

HEY!! ASSHOLES OF THE WORLD! PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING EBAY PURCHASES!

YOU ARE FUCKING OVER MY LIFE! I AM SELLING MY STUFF CAUSE I NEED MONEY, I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR MY FUCKING HEALTH!!!!

Some people go out of their way to piss all over your happy spot...
Sad.
Those are sad pathetic people.

I have gotten rid of SO MUCH STUFF in the last year. But, my boyfriend is now in 2 '80s bands and I am going to my second '90s party THIS YEAR on Saturday night and I can think of all this stuff I used to have that I could have worn to these things that I ditched.
AHAHAHA! You never need anything until you get rid of it. If I had kept all that stuff these bands and parties would not have happened. It's just the way things work out.

I suck at cross posting....
Still trying to make this blog and tumblr mirror each other cause I was going to slowly transition over there...Yeah, not working. I rant over here and don't post it over there, and I re-blog pretty pictures over there and am still trying to catch up on re-posting them here...then there is instagram...there's too many things. Sharing your life via social media is great, but I can't make it all match across all platforms. It's tiring. You guys know where I am. Just enjoy the crazy OK?
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Dear Sydney,

You cannot, under any circumstances, visit the various and extremely tempting candy bowls in the office today. Or, tomorrow. Nor are you able to eat anything other than vegetables for dinner tonight. Last night's entire bag of Chicago Style popcorn for dinner fiasco was shameful, embarrassing and damaging. You're in your 30s girl, get a grip.

Sincerely, healthy Sydney trapped inside emotionally unstable eater Sydney

    

I've never been really great at being alone.
I like to think I could live alone, I fought for it at one point because my mother never lived alone and thought it taught you things you could not learn otherwise. But, I have found as I get older I don't really like even being alone very much. My imagination is far too overactive....

The building has creaked, audibly, much more regularly lately. It makes me paranoid about all the earthquake prep I've been too lazy to work on and I can't help picture myself trying to find a safe spot in this overfilled apartment with an anxious ancient cat while all the glass stuff hits the floor...    

Still not feeling well. Been to the doctor twice, had antibiotics and steroids...the steroids helped for a bit, but now that I'm off of them I'm tired and my glads hurt. Still getting through my days, still gonna dance in spring fiesta on Sunday. Made a headband to go with my costume and did some tribal belly dance shit with my hair:

Although I am emotionally drained trying to get my fathers project all lined up again...I am really glad for art.
Art is gonna save me again. My day has been really weird. My job is sucking. My relationships with people are sucking.

I have art. Art will keep me alive.
I am blessed.

Sold a bunch of stuff on eBay! We can eat this week! Rent week is always the worst...so fucking broke.
I have dragged my feet about packing stuff, running out of packing materials, so I guess I 'll have to go buy some. I hate spending money on something I'm trying to get out of my house.

But the house! I mean, apartment!! It's a huge mess, it's all in a state of flux, it's amazing! Have gotten a bunch of stuff out of the house, more is going, I am inspired to get it all done by end of spring. Lots of spring cleaning. It's good. It's all over the place right now, but it's good. Besides, I think I'm buying a dress makers form and I need room. I think I need one, and I am probably going to start wth a cheap foam one and pad it till I get an idea of how useful it will be to me. To be 100% honest, part of me is getting it to work out belly dance costumes on it from things I currently have.

I have so much stuff and I don't even know what or where it all is. Most of what I am selling off is dad's extraneous stuff that is not for his show and not for keeping, but stuff that was supposed to fund his show and now I just need to get it out of my house and need additional food money cause I'm broke. And, ya know, need a dress makers form...I have gotten a big shelf for the kitchen though, and some boxes to store my current costume components in. I have never been sure of how I want to store things, so I don't buy stuff to store stuff in and it ends up all over the place. So, yeah, it's in the works. I'm excited. :)

And then sometimes I think about all the things I've gotten really good at holding my tongue about...all the things I simply had pull off my chest and let go of...all the fights I never picked...

I guess it's pretty even, the over talking and the tongue biting. 

I know it's corny to some of you, but this, all of this is happening today...

Capricorn Horoscope
"It's your intention to be evenhanded while dealing with difficult political dynamics at work today. However, your patience is growing thin and your true feelings might overwhelm your strategic thinking. Even your best-laid plans can fall apart as circumstances change in unexpected ways. Work with your current intensity, but don't let it get the best of you. Although flexibility is your friend, there's no reason to overreact by changing your goals. Modify your approach and your method without altering your destination."
(source)

Why am I looking at purses on Nordstrom Rack when I am overlimit on my credit card I need tons of dental work and my cat needs surgery?
BLAHHHHH...I hate being a grown-up....

So, you think you're gonna have a good day, then 2 managers need to tell you you  asked a stupid question and 40mins after clocking in you fall on your face for the first time today.

This is just my day job, these people don't matter. This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.This is just my day job, these people don't matter.

I was up till 2am arranging tubs of flowers and hanging Scott Weiland posters for the tribute tonight!!
I still rock at art. THAT'S what matters.
 

It's 11:23am and I am finally through sorting all 300 emails. I was out sick yesterday. I am ready to go home now...

Please?