Oh wow, I've been gone all summer...just posting Saturday Happy Songs....and the pre-loaded posts ran out at the start of this month! oops, oh well.

I will have photos for you tonight. All the missing monthly photos.
This round of the depression is lifting. It will be a productive fall season.

Talk soon,
~Syd

Ooh..no update in a while.

I'm still here, toiling away. The depression has gotten so bad I am in full hate myself mode. I haven't done anything about it and it's getting worse. So, I need to stop feeding it. I have to embrace spring, and sunshine and cleaning and go back to fighting for the things I want to do.

I signed up for Shimmy Mob today even though I can't really afford it. It's gonna make me dance again and I haven't been real great at doing that on my own...

So, that's something.

Photo Update Feb 2017 - Part 2

We went to 80's prom at The Fonda in Hollywood. It was fun. I went as Adam Ant, because he's amazing and it's a full costume I already have ready to go.

I'm really working on make-up and costume looks when I have free time...I think I got a better response from the white flowers than the dark mask, but I really like the juxtaposition when they are presented together.

I keep trying to down size my apartment and go through things and get rid of them. Went trough old VHS tapes, found a good one with my sister on it from 1999!!

 I made a greasy grilled cheese and deep fried my own french fries for Fat Tuesday with the aim of eating better for lent. AHAHA...right...I did realize I hate deep frying food, and should leave it to professionals.

Photo update - January 2017

So, last month in photos:

Although we were supposed to go to a friend's house for New Years Eve, I was there the night before to decorate, had a fight with my boyfriend, and was a little um...depressed about my birthday and getting older than I'd like to be for where I am in life. So, we stayed in. I flaked on my friend, and she had been so good to me, and bought me nice gifts and a cake, and I just couldn't get myself out the door. I realized that the entire 10 years me and Mr. So and So have been together we have never stayed home for New Years Eve. Never. It was wonderful, it was mellow, it got hot and steamy. And the best part? I have never run in the New Year at midnight with my Pink!! SO here is the first picture of 2017 with the love of my life, Pink (The Cat):

 So glad this champagne is actually tasty cause I bought it totally for the label:

 

Waiting for Steve so we can go to the beach cause that's what I wanted to do for my birthday:

I just wanted to be out in nature of some kind. We ended up at Topanga State Beach:

Sunset on the first day of 2017:

Cool underground bridge deal:

Pretty flowers my friend Mia gave me for my birthday:

 A couple days later the lily bloomed. I love lilies:

I made vegetarian chili fries;

  This is where I work now/ I sit on the left, and the crazy girl that sometimes doesn't talk to me sits on the right;

January birthdays at work, and though I didn't want to tell them it was my birthday, I did want a cupcake:

Updates and rants

I never explained in this space the last quarter of 2016 which lead to an absence in expressive outlets and frustrations mentioned in earlier posts.

Oct 5th started out a really great day. I got up early, the boyfriend and his friend/music business partner left for a guys/business trip they were both looking forward to, I was gonna get all kinds of creative stuff done. I gave my goodbyes and bounded off to work. I had dressed nice, put in effort, and had a great morning. My manager rushed along the bullpen and told us all there was a last minute meeting with the VP we all had to get to right away, and then would not walk with us. I was really ticked off that the rumor was we were being fired, I was holding out hope we were just being told they were moving us again.

All 18 of us were laid off. We were given a long out date, because they were automating our workflows and needed us to help move that process along, so I would have a job for 10 months.
It seemed like wonderful news, but it was a mixed blessing. Lots of time to figure out our next move, but lots of time to stew and gossip and sulk and slack. Rumor was the norm.

A friend of mine was called back about her job application at a company in our industry, and since she had already taken another job offer, she recommended me. They liked me, and made me a pretty good offer. I jumped ship. I was scared.

Wrapping up my old job, getting the flu, sleeping as much as possible over the 2 days I had before the new job started, starting the new job full of dayquil, Christmas, food poisoning, New Year, birthday, trying to reconcile my current age...feeling uncomfortable about my current age...going back to new job with no long holiday breaks coming up, and really trying to fit in, and learn the work and be confidant cause I really rocked at my old job and I don't yet at this one, but they hired me because I worked for a large studio and rocked at it...

Well, it's taken till after the most lovely 3 day weekend we had (Cause they give us Martin Luther King day off!! YAY!) to really try to re-focus what's been going on and the blur that the last 3 months has been. I cannot believe that much time has gone by that all of this happened in, I am really kinda spent and depressed now because it's all over and I don't have to try and make it all work and worry about what's next, and I can just go back to working (cause I pretty much know what I'm doing now, I just have to go in each day and keep the plates spinning, but I know the order in which they spin now) and trying to improve myself and my life.

I think I have some anxiety because there is not some current condition I have to fix. There were a string of many ordeals and now there really isn't anything left to do but go back to making things the way I want them in my life.

A wave of relief and gratitude just washed over me.  I need to organize out my projects I think. :)

Today was a good day.

I didn't feel quite so lost or as much like crying at my new job.

I went to my first belly dance class since the end of physical therapy for my ankle.

It was my first Tribal class, EVER (this is my favorite style, so it's weird it took me this long to get here, but I didn't have a car before).

It was being subbed by Sherri Wheatley and she was the nicest person. We got to talk for 15mins before hand cause we were waiting for class to start.

I got through 1 of the boxes of my dads stuff that has been too painful to sort through.

The Mr. is making brownies (not like I need a brownie cause I need to loose 30 pounds by June...but I'm back to trying to develop a healthy relationship with food, and so I need to learn to eat in moderation, and...I can't hurt my dude's feelings, right? ;) )

I remembered to publicly count my blessings and not just my bitching.

 

Hurricane a comin'

 Southern California may see some rain from Hurricane Norbert

Updates

HAHAHAHAHA!
I guess I kinda lied about posting here more often. Oh wellllllllll.....

Work has been insane. I am learning a new job and trying to finish mine. My younger sister's life fell apart and she is staying with me for a few days...the SD has been at her mom's and doesn't know of any of this yet and her dad is worried about it upsetting her so much she decides to leave. My older sister was the catalyst for all this drama and now doesn't want anything to do with any of us, and, me? I am just trying to stay that little bit of sane I have left and keep the peace.

It's nice I have detached enough that I am able to keep on keeping on, but, I still need my younger sister to be ok. I won't be ok if she is not ok...Seriously, on all fronts I am doing the best I can with what I have. I really am. Just knowing that, I feel better. I used to feel so bad that I couldn't just "Fix" everyone and everything all the time. I have, through therapy, or meditation, or whatever, been able to let most of that go. People can think for themselves, few of them are actually interested in your advice and even fewer are going to actually take it. So, you have to let go in the most loving way possible. You have to ask them what it is that they need from you, and if that is something you are able to provide do so with love and send them on their way.

About 2 weeks ago, due to an argument with my partner I went all full immersion positivity again. It was of course fake and hard at first, but you really have to force it. Force the positive view of everything at first, and then you start to really see the positive in each situation.

Now, to jump back into that fire..

~Syd

Happy 2014!

HI!
I'm still alive!

How are you?!

Sorry for the M.I.A. I have been really, blah. It actually all started on my last post, WAY back on December 7th and it has slid nice and steady into the crapper. Well, almost. Actually right then I had tons of GOOD news, and then it went into the crapper.

What did you miss? Dec. 7th was my mom's birthday, and I saw my sisters to mark the occasion, and we had a pretty nice visit. We had bought the Xmas tree the weekend before and were super excited for Xmas cause it was the first one with SD living with us, and it was gonna be great. We all hung out and it was nice. I felt hopeful.

The next day, December 8th, I BOUGHT A CAR!! The first time I have EVER bought a car. It took me till I was 31 and was gonna have no way to get to and from work over the holidays, but I did it. I was so happy.

The day after that, December 9th I received the good news that the X-rays no longer showed a fracture line in my talus bone in my ankle and I could begin to walk again!! OMG! YES! These 2 things happening back to back was amazing and a huge buoy to my self-esteem and hope for the fast approaching new year. The last month I was not able to walk was hard, and I had become rather depressed and despondent. Things were looking up!


The next week and a half went by WAY too fast as I eagerly tried to restrain myself to only putting a set amount of weight on the ankle (I was told 30 pounds day 1 & 2, 60 pounds day 3 & 4, 90 on day 5&6 ect. till I was up to my full body weight and could start to walk. I did this by putting the bathroom scale on the floor, sitting in a chair in front of it and rocking forward till there was the right amount of weight on the scale), getting used to the new car, getting ready for Xmas, and working really hard on making this the year I was not a depressed, Grinch-mess for this holiday season. I really wanted to forget the past years; I had my own little family to be there for and I was gonna make it great damnit!

Then some family drama went on, SD spent Xmas with her mom, Xmas eve and actual Xmas were nice...New Years eve  was nice. Though, I didn't want to go out...I had a panic attack about another year gone and getting older and blah, blah, blah...I was late to the party that night, so it actually went by really quick. We arrived at like, 11:30pm. Though, I regretfully made some people wait on m, then New Years! Whoot!

Then I was rear ended in my new car...Then SD moved out, then depression, then physical therapy, then back to belly dance, then I joined Tumblr, then out of the walking boot, more physical therapy, then stayin' alive...ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive. Then it was Lunar New Year and I'll totally post for that! Nope, spaced out and dropped out for that too...Then SD wants to move back in. Then ankle swelled up. Then I missed belly dance tonight, BUT! I stayed home and edited an end of year photo shoot I was Way, WAY too behind on...and now it's Feb. 12th 2014...

So, I think you're all caught up. Which is really good cause I don't wanna keep catching people up. Things are moving along, and I am mostly walking again except for the small setback of ankle currently being a little swollen and irritated. I probably have overdone it. I have been excited about it.



♥

The Ankle Chronicles - post 5 of who the fuck knows

A friend of mine loaned me a wheeled walker she has. I have been resting my knee on the seat on that blanket. It's still totally exhausting to try and get around, but it is not as bad as the crutches. The seat is actually a little high for my knee, I kinda have to stand on the ball of my foot to scoot around, but my armpits are healing at least.

I drove myself to work this morning for the first time since finding out about the new fracture. I was giving the OK to drive short distances if I am very careful by my doctor last Friday. I was scared...it went ok, though there was a small amount of pain afterward. I have stopped taking the pain killers altogether...they were mostly for the pain in my back and I just can't function at work on them. My amazing life partner took me to the chiropractor on Saturday morning and although I am still stiff it helped SO MUCH. 

I voiced my worry to Dr. Lee, the chiro, and how I read all kinds of horrible things about this particular fracture and the necrosis that can set in and how if that happens I might not walk again and how scared I was. He told me he has broken so many bones, and he was warned about the necrosis on at least one occasion as well (with a break in one side of his hand) and it never happened, he's fine. He said he knows I will be fine and not to worry. He said to eat well, lots of fruit and vegetables, to take some vitamins and a calcium supplement, drink a few extra glasses of milk and think healing positive thoughts about my ankle. And, that's it. That's all I can do. I have no control over what happens, and so I can't worry about it. I drove in to work talking out loud about how I'm fine and my ankle is healing well and I'll be back to walking in no time. 

I am SO exhausted though...just getting through the day is amazingly hard. I have zero energy...I am going to go home and lay down. I have been trying to make green shakes every chance I get so I have lots of fruit and veggies all at once. Just dump it down my throat, but, I may just need to pass out...We'll see, maybe I can do the shake and then pass out.