Life is weird

Things have gotten so weird. Life is so freaking weird.
I can't go into details, cause some of it is about my job, and some of it is just...like, things that could only happen by cosmic connection and so then I'll sound nuts. But, at least I'm never bored.

Walking continues. I'm slacking too much on exercises...the ankle is a bit stiff...but I am so grateful to be able to walk. I am so blessed.

The Ankle Chronicles - post 7 of who the fuck knows

Here is a picture of the tricycle (or "Seated Scooter") I rented for the remainder of this ankle pain in the ass(I've had it for 2 weeks now). You put your bad leg up on one of the cross bars in front of the front wheels and then push off the ground with your good leg. I liked this option better than the knee scooter because I was gonna have to kneel on my right knee and that is a bad knee for me. I have what is called patellofemoral dysfunction and should not be putting pressure on that knee.

The scooter is a little bulky ( I am keeping it at the office now instead of hauling it back and forth between home and work, then I crutch to and from the car, then I have the wheeled walker for at home...3 mobility devices!) and it has a very wide turning radius, but it has really helped out. It arrived quickly (2 days) and the shipping was free. Then they sent me a get well soon card with a fed-ex shipping label to send the scooter back with! Very nice. So, free advertising for Goodbye Crutches (http://www.goodbyecrutches.com/)! Check 'em out for all your gimping needs!

The Ankle Chronicles - post 6 of who the fuck knows

I am sitting alone in my room, eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. It is 7:11pm and I am trying to figure out what to do with my evening. I have been trying to figure it out for over an hour. This makes me feel even sorrier for myself and then I feel pathetic. Feeling pathetic about myself makes me feel, pathetic.

I had my 3rd X-ray on my ankle yesterday. It has been 4 weeks since the doctor's appointment where we discussed my MRI and I was told they had messed up, I have a fractured talus bone and should never have been walking. I should have stayed off it for 3 months they said...so, here we are 4 weeks later and doctor enters the room and tells me my x-rays look good. I stopped in the middle of taking off the huge walking boot and looked at him stunned. "They do?!" Yeah, he replies and then realizes I think he means like, Really good and quickly tells me that though I am healing, the fracture line is still present. There appears to be less of a gap in the fracture than before, everything is going very well and I am making progress. However, the fracture line is still there and he recommends 4-6 more weeks on crutches.

WHAT?!

He can see me tear-up. When I ask what else I can do to speed things up he asks me if I am taking calcium and magnesium supplements and I tell him I am and spinach shakes...I trail off and he lightly puts his hand on my knee and this is where I know I look quiet visibly upset and he tells me I am doing all I can do and to just rest and stay off the ankle. He'll see me in 4 weeks. I ask him for a prescription for the knee scooter/big tricycle I rented and he said I could pick it up at check-out. I go schedule my appointment for 4 weeks from now, December 9th...and we head home. I cry.

The rest of the day yesterday was actually quiet pleasant, I got a lot of sleep, then made quinoa and a pumpkin cranberry bundt cake. I got to spend the afternoon with my honey. I felt energetic, and positive. I wasn't going to let it get me down...I was bummed out, but I have mostly gotten used to the crutches, walker, wheel chair and the new rented tricycle.

I had actually totally prepared myself for this outcome since he said I should have been on crutches for at least 3 months to begin with and I had in fact only been on them for 4-ish weeks. So, though through meditation and positive self-talk for the last 4 weeks I had convinced myself I was in fact healed, I needed to make sure I was ready for the bad news too. And, here's the part where I ALWAYS drive myself crazy...Was I prepping myself for this bad news because I knew in my heart of hearts I was not quite so healed, or was I not quite so healed because I let myself doubt?

So, I now await December 9th...and try to figure out how I am gonna pull through it...I am gonna need to figure out how to car shop because that is dangerously close to my partner switching jobs to one further away. Close to me annoying the crap out of the lady who has been generous enough to take me to and from work. Close to Christmas and shopping and me just plain ol' needing my freedom and alone time in the car before work. So, today I just kinda accepted it...It didn't affect my mood as much as I thought, or feared...I did cry some yesterday morning, but I expected this to really piss me off. It hasn't. It wore me back out for a bit...

So, why feel sorry for myself now? What's the point? Where's my hobby...?

The Ankle Chronicles - post 5 of who the fuck knows

A friend of mine loaned me a wheeled walker she has. I have been resting my knee on the seat on that blanket. It's still totally exhausting to try and get around, but it is not as bad as the crutches. The seat is actually a little high for my knee, I kinda have to stand on the ball of my foot to scoot around, but my armpits are healing at least.

I drove myself to work this morning for the first time since finding out about the new fracture. I was giving the OK to drive short distances if I am very careful by my doctor last Friday. I was scared...it went ok, though there was a small amount of pain afterward. I have stopped taking the pain killers altogether...they were mostly for the pain in my back and I just can't function at work on them. My amazing life partner took me to the chiropractor on Saturday morning and although I am still stiff it helped SO MUCH. 

I voiced my worry to Dr. Lee, the chiro, and how I read all kinds of horrible things about this particular fracture and the necrosis that can set in and how if that happens I might not walk again and how scared I was. He told me he has broken so many bones, and he was warned about the necrosis on at least one occasion as well (with a break in one side of his hand) and it never happened, he's fine. He said he knows I will be fine and not to worry. He said to eat well, lots of fruit and vegetables, to take some vitamins and a calcium supplement, drink a few extra glasses of milk and think healing positive thoughts about my ankle. And, that's it. That's all I can do. I have no control over what happens, and so I can't worry about it. I drove in to work talking out loud about how I'm fine and my ankle is healing well and I'll be back to walking in no time. 

I am SO exhausted though...just getting through the day is amazingly hard. I have zero energy...I am going to go home and lay down. I have been trying to make green shakes every chance I get so I have lots of fruit and veggies all at once. Just dump it down my throat, but, I may just need to pass out...We'll see, maybe I can do the shake and then pass out.

The Ankle Chronicles - post 4 of who the fuck knows - another update - not a good one

So, on September 26th I was told to walk.

I was told to “push it” and try walking like a normal person. I was in pain still, and the whole ankle was still swelling, but I was told that’s normal with a sprain and to push through. Well, after they FINALLY had me do an MRI and got the results, as it turns out, I have a fractured Talus; the bone on top of my ankle connecting my foot to my leg.

Monday, the 14th I was told this. I was also told I never should have been walking on it; I should have stayed off it at least 3 month and spent as much time as possible resting. When the doctor left the room and closed the door I burst into tears. 

Today is day 3 back on crutches for at least another month. I go back again on Nov. 11^th for an additional X-ray and an update on how it’s healing.

I am exhausted. I was already exhausted cause on Sunday I did some errands and laundry and cleaning. The hilarious part is I was sad on Monday when I got home from the doctor that I didn’t finish cleaning the bedroom before I became a gimp again.

I have the same boot on again, but a size small now. The other one didn’t fit and was very uncomfortable when it stopped inflating properly. I needed extra padding on the top of the crutches cause my under arms are still not totally healed from the last run on crutches. They are very chafed and it burns to use the crutches. So, all I had were 2 of those blue microfiber car detail cloths and some bandanas. A co-worker complimented the colorful adjustment and said it looked “very Punky Brewster”. ☺

4 more weeks on crutches people!!

Gah..pain in the ass…

Fru

Supreme frustration today.
All kinds of stuff all over the place.

Oh this life. This human experience.

Links later. After getting off work, getting to the store, making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, taking care of sick partner and sarcastic SD...all while trying not to trip over obnoxious cat. I tripped over her 2 nights ago, scared the shit out of me. Hurt too.

I'll have an ankle update as well later tonight, but, I was told to walk on it yesterday (again) and it's a good thing cause otherwise everyone would have stayed home and caught sick partner's cold (we probably will anyway...unless I gave him this one cause I got it from co-workers last week...)

Anyhow, that's may rant for now. Guess I gotta go feed myself something.

~Syd

The Ankle Chronicles - post 3 of who the fuck knows - another update

Day 20:
I can walk in the "walking boot" if it is super inflated and I don't walk for long distances. I can go to the office restroom for example, or kinda to the office kitchen. Sorta, it's kind of far away.

Back at work today after the last long weekend for a while. So happy to be out of the heat of home, but also want a nap by this time in the day. Meh, it's Tuesday that is actually Monday. Lots of work to do, little concentration..I'll feel better after lunch I'm sure.