Let Go

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Happy Halloween!

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If I think I can, I KNOW you can.

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Girl, you betta WORK!

 

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"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need."
~Voltaire 

Dance

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Nobody cares
if you can’t dance well.
Just get up and dance.
Great dancers are not great
because of their technique,
they are great because of
their PASSION.
-Martha Graham

Back to stick my finger in this outlet

Back,

I’m back to this forum, to use this outlet, to improve myself, my ideas. To have a place to vent, a public place, but a place nonetheless. Don’t misunderstand me, I also journal, but this spot helped and was a wonderful repository for the things I was thankful for, the things that made me smile and the things that inspired me. I need that now, more than ever probably. This was a place where I could vent about being Sydney C. and all the frustrations that life brought her, while feeding and nurturing Sydney Hell, the woman I wanted to be. The alter-ego that was a little more outspoken; a lot more creative, and much more at peace. Sydney Hell was never, fully alive in any form, not strong enough to stand on her own 2 feet, and Sydney C. had so much on her plate, so much…survival to concern herself with that my concentration needed to be there. Then, one dark and cold September morning in 2011, Sydney C. was killed, bullet straight through the heart. An angry, confused, lost, resentful, catty, self-destructive bitch left in her place. She had all this stuff she left behind, and all these responsibilities to take care of, all these people that needed her, this fancy new corporate job that destruct-o bitch was gonna have to maintain if she wanted to eat…so, destruct-o bitch has had to pick Sydney C. up and Meat-Puppet her around for over a year, making her smile, forcing focus, pretending to care. A year…the longest, shortest, strangest, most painful year of my entire life so far; I do hope it gets better from here on out, but I hold little hope, hope for anything at all died with Sydney C. A year, and a month actually, almost 13 moths to the day today that my entire world turned on its head, a year that has left me, tired, sad, and, uninspired.

I know I have done end of year reviews in the past, and have highlighted the things that were good, the things that changed me, the things I learned, tried to take the lesson away, tried to see the best. Every year is a mixed bag, and the start of 2011 was amazing for me, things were starting to work. I was creative, productive, inspired. I had 2 showings of my photography, was working constantly (freelance, no insurance, but was delusional enough to think it was gonna last.), I got an interview and then a job at one of the largest studios in the world, and then had the insurance and stability I so desperately needed. I had purpose, on many levels, for the first time.

Then, my dad killed himself, and it all went down the drain. I lost myself in the pain and confusion. Even though there had been good earlier that year, it didn’t matter, even though there is always possibility for good in the future, that didn’t matter either. There was (is, has been, always will be) pain. Nothing but pain. Do you remember the 1990’s movie Death Becomes Her? And at some point Goldie Hawn’s character is shot through the middle and since she is basically undead it leaves a hole? 

Yeah, that’s what I feel like every day. I hear, from other “survivors of suicide” that this is the way they all feel, always, it doesn’t go away, you simply learn to live with it. Like, a person with chronic back problems, or someone that lost a leg in battle, you learn work arounds to live with the pain. Lovely.

I’ve jammed the hole with all kinds of stuff, trying to fill it up. It’s left me tired, upset and…well, still blown half apart. The point I started to realize this wasn’t going to help, was after purchasing a case of Two-buck-chuck at Trader Joe’s, and then about a week and a half later, my partner, trying to make room in the pantry, lined up the bottles left on the counter. There were 4. 4 bottles of wine left. We drink together, and I’ve seen him drink this whole week, and didn’t see him drink much of this wine. When doing the math and consulting him I realized I had had about 1 bottle of wine a night, all by myself. Shit. At about this same point it came to my attention that I did not fit into any of my clothes any longer, and my skin was a mess. I cried(and this was before stressing my back out of whack and somehow compounding 2 ribs into my left lung. Surprised the hell out of the chiropractor). I cried and he held me and listened to me vent about how much food and drink and crap I had tried to jam in the hole. How the hole was just as large as ever and I was starting to look and feel worse. That was May of this year. Now, I know I’m not a full blown alcoholic, or drug addict, I’m not here telling you how I’m homeless and have been fucking people to get to my next hit of heroin or my next bag of speed. I know there are a lot  of people that have it a LOT worse than I do. I know many of them. We are still living in a god damned depression in this country and I personally know many people that have gone home to live with their parents, or  are sleeping in their cars, or in parking lots and have no jobs. But, this is enough for me, like I said, I’ve lowered my standards, my expectations, on everything.

So, I’m back to use this as an outlet again as a means to a more fulfilling life. I didn’t need to explain my journey to anyone reading this either, so if you rolled your eyes and said I’ve never seen pain then go fuck off home. This is my space and I’ll use it as I like. I did this to vent and…give insight to the lurkers out there, cause I’m a lurker to a lot of strangers that I follow, and I do actually care even if I have said little to them ever. So, for those of you that like me: Stick around, I’ll post some pretty shit with inspiring quotes under it and crap.

~Sydney

Night of Joy

Hello!
Happy Easter!

So much news, SO many good things! I have been M.I.A. cause the end of last year sucked so badly I was in a funk and the beginning of this year has rocked so hard I haven't had time to stop and write it all down. I am on a roll and don't wanna jinx it!


Take a look at this:

YES! Last night I was blessed enough to watch Robert Plant perform at The Greek Theater! 

EEEEEEEEP! 

It was divine! It was surreal! It was...breathtaking. 

(Photo by Julian Hernandez)

I was in complete awe. I was so unprepared to be in the presence of The Golden God himself. And I wasn't even sitting that close! 

At 9:15pm they opened with Led Zeppelin's Black Dog, although it sounded very little like it, and ended an extremely short hour and a half later with And We Bid You Goodnight, which had been immediately preceded by *GASP* my favorite: Gallows Pole!!! ACK!  ♥Swoon!♥  I was in heaven! 

(Photo by Julian Hernandez)

In between those were 4 other Zeppelin songs (Black Country Woman, That's the Way, Houses of the Holy, and Ramble On) Please Read the Letter which is a Page/Plant song that he brought back with Allison Krauss in 2007. There were 4 or 5 songs off the new Self titled Band of Joy album as well, Angel Dance being my favorite and the one I am most familiar with.  All of it was amazing though. Not a rock concert, he's not doing that these days, but just a magical night. Good reviews HERE and HERE. I'll leave it up to them as I am not a  music journalist, just a huge Robert Plant fan that spaced out and drooled on the terrace for an hour and a half. 

Let's add to the magic by saying I went for free cause I WON TICKETS!! Yes, WON. Last Saturday night, from KLOS radio. I was the 25th caller. I cried. Well, I also cried last night when I got home. Realizing that it had all really happened, I had just lived it and it was over. I still can't believe I won tickets. It wasn't a completely free night as I had to pay for parking and get a shirt of course, hehe. I don't get a kickback or anything for mentioning KLOS, I am just a really lucky fan that called almost every time they gave away tickets, for 3 months. I was stunned when I won. Still am. 

I woke up panicked this morning cause it was over. I was devastated. I didn't have it to look forward to anymore. It's over now. I have been waiting, as you know, for years to see him. And for over a year now that this tour has started,  to see my dear Robert in my hometown. I nearly chased him to Arizona, was given a glimmer of hope he would be out this way by Neal Preston at last years Festival of Books, and then lost hope and felt disappointed and cheated when he left for the U.K. during the fall. 

In January they announced more tour dates, including Santa Barbara Bowl and, The Greek Theater, LOS ANGELES! Eeeek! I was so excited, but couldn't really afford it. I knew they would give away tickets and something told me to wait. In the interest in going with my gut, which I had resolved to do recently, henceforth, I listened. It was a week to go, and I was getting nervous about my decision not to buy tickets. It was the third or forth time that day The Man and I had tried to call, and one of the countless times the phone was ringing, not just beeping. I had just heard it ring, and they told me I was caller 12. I was halfway there! No way was I gonna make it in another time, they probably had their winner. Kept redialing anyway. It rang. And rang, and rang. Then, an answer. Had I won anything from KLOS in the last 60 days? No...I gulped. The man looked at me with big eyes. Would I like to go see Robert Plant at The Greek? 

EEEEEEEEEK! I screamed into the phone! I cried. "Oh my god! Thank you so much! I am the biggest Robert Plant fan! Oh thank you so much!" 

I won tickets to see my beautiful Robert Plant people. Sometimes the planets do align and amazing things do happen. Life is so blessed! 

P.S. I will probably gush about this a few more times, brace yourself, it was pretty intense and I am gonna be a full on dorky girl about it. The Man likened me to an Elvis fan last night, crying and swooning over a singer. Haha! *blush*. 

~Sydney