Backsliding

It was a hard week...
Thanksgiving was, hard. Thanksgiving weekend was also hard, and so for the last week and a half I have been backsliding into sadness and bad habits. It's been gloomy and rainy all week as well, which hasn't helped. I did go to belly dance last Tuesday, but that and a half-assed walk on Monday are all the exercise I did last week. I can feel myself getting fatter again.

Blah.

Gotta get back on that horse tomorrow. Back to the back lot hills, the meditation, jounal-ing, eating smart. I ate so much sugar today...

Last Monday a life changing event came to pass, and I have yet to be able to completely allow the relief wash over me. I have learned so well that any type of relief in my life that allows me to let my guard down is false. That I personally should never let my guard down, for any reason, cause it only comes back to haunt me. I have been told, by a couple people, but most noticeably by a gifted dance master I desperately wanted acceptance from, that when I let my guard down I become lazy and my work unacceptable. SO, in turn I am either anxious and over working, or I give up on any good coming from anything I do and become depressed and despondent...and now that I have articulated this in words I sound manic and crazy.

Fabulous.

SO, right now I feel fat, sad and...well, crazy.

Back on that horse tomorrow...get back on that horse.