A reflective evening, to be sure. I have all this stuff i want to explain, to get out, to release. And yet, I am so...nonreactive these days.
I realized in the last year or so that many of the people around me do not respond well to my drama, particularly the one I live with, and so I have reeled it in a bit. Not a ton, but a bit. And in this I have tried and failed to express these things privately; for just me. I've realized I am very bad at hiding things, at lying and at just keeping my feelings or emotions to myself, so, I decided to try and work on that. A co-worker once said, "you wear all of your emotions on your sleeve, and so when I can tell you're upset, I like to come fuck with you." Later, he came by quietly and asked if I was, in fact ok, and it showed he cared, and I was fine, but I realized it might do me well to cultivate a better poker face.
But, I still need to express them, and tried to journal them out, and while that worked very well last year, I then tired of it, and didn't want to process all the feelings. Didn't want to take the time to work out what they are and why and instead it was easier to consume. Facebook, youtube, tumblr, instagram...I can spend hours just taking in everyone elses pretty pictures and not thinking too much. That's no good. Where's the balance?
I feel like I should go back and explain what I mean by drama. I don't mean stirring the pot drama, I just, react enthusiastically to most situations. I am really happy for you when you are in a new relationship, or got the job, or did the art opening or bought the car or whatever, and I gasp and jump up and down and make a fuss. When I'm pissed I roll my eyes and make faces and when I'm angry I throw things across the room (I have to be really angry for this, and I have a VERY long fuse). I feel things to the fullest. Because, why not? Why not live it all right out loud? Well, because sometimes you don't want to show your hand to everyone in the room, and sometimes (most of the time) you don't want to make the people you like uncomfortable.
